A White Pebble

The Last Christmas

2007-12-25T23:46:00.000+08:00

So things have changed; too many events have unfolded in succession and there is no undoing the past. The callous words spat out in anger cannot be withdrawn and swallowed; the scarred flesh cannot be restored immaculate. Despite all that, I look back at this period of the past couple of years not with nostalgia but with insights and ideas- raw objects of abstraction awaiting chiseling and refining by the master craftsman, Time.

What beckons from the great beyond? I do not know, but I certainly do not intend to lug my baggage of often-bitter past with me. Yes, there have been the pleasant memories but I find them inextricable tangled with the bitter. However, there still remain a few untainted strands of memory which I shall treasure. Thank you to all those who played a role in the creation of joy and even of sorrow. You may smile a smile of smugness in the knowledge that your schemes have succeeded, but know that they will not slip by forgotten.

So here is where journey ends. Driven by the winds against the rocks, this vessel shall see seas no more.

Have a Blessed Christmas folks and farewell. Please, shed neither tear nor pity.

Hope, a Waking Dream

2007-11-26T02:35:00.000+08:00

Hope is a waking dream - Aristotle

Am I a fool for holding out hope? Am I being overly naïve for believing that things will change after all these years? Am I a fool for stretching out hope repeatedly, only to witness it being ravaged and beaten back by the harsh realities of people, and ultimately, life itself each time? I seek no absurd object or make no unreasonable demand (I would prefer to think so), yet I find myself disappointed each time.

Yes, I very well know that my past is strongly imprinted on me, perhaps a little too deep for my own liking, or for the matter, anyone’s. In any case, we are the products of our past; we are the sums of our experiences. I cannot deny history, lest I deny myself.

The deadening silence of the wilderness gradually corrodes my will and sanity. The length of years that I’ve made this forsaken place my abode eludes memory. Yet all I have is a fool’s hope for a better tomorrow. Nothing more than a simple wish of wearing a genuine smile.

Reflections on INTEC

2007-11-22T00:26:00.000+08:00

A note of caution: This is probably my most honest and brutally frank post to date.

I am no longer an INTEC student as of today. Somehow that thought doesn’t provoke any sentiments, not any strong ones at least. Nevertheless, it may only have been one and a half years, but it’s been an eventful stage in my life, much more so than in the past. I am a very different person than who I was before entering INTEC, although many of the changes cannot be directly attributed to INTEC itself.

One marked change that people would notice is my rebellious streak. Not rebellious in your typical teenage anti-establishment uprising , but a revolt against what I perceive to be as gross injustice, blatant suppression of freedom and sheer stupidity. Politically, my views evolved to become pretty defined and radicalized as well. Details will not be disclosed here for the sake of political correctness. Consequently, I’ve become more vocal, much more so than in my school days.

The harsh reality of life here is my (stubborn?) lack of conformity has left my social circle wanting. Even in a scholar environment, where I thought I would fit in perfectly, reality and my ideals could not be any further. I did fit in to a certain measure, but insufficient to warrant discarding my masks. While most of my friends (even some whom I counted as close) are acquaintances that simply crossed paths with me, there are those whose friendship I believe will transcend this college period. The hours of talking, be it ‘information transfer’, intellectual discourse or simply ‘empty’ talk were more than mere talk. With all my masks and high suspicions against people in general, it is a rare honor indeed to be my confidant. I don’t have to name names; you know who you are.

On the other hand, my cynicism and bitterness towards people in general has been blunted by my experiences in INTEC. Simply put it, I’ve realized that there are some decent and sincere folks out there. Though still a rarity, nevertheless they exist. Though sadly this does not apply to some people who ought to be like that. My experiences in INTEC have not eroded my perception that hypocrisy is an accepted and sanctioned practice among Christians, despite being a Christian myself. I wish I could shake this perception off, but until I find evidence stating otherwise, it will be impossible for me to do so.

Learning to cope as a minority is another markedly relevant lesson I derived from my stint in INTEC. I must admit, entry into INTEC was my first experience in a racially and linguistically polarized environment. Where I came from, one’s skin color was less of a social determinant and everyone more or less spoke languages that were mutually understandable. In INTEC, one’s colour and the language(s) one could speak characterized the social strata of the day. Not surprisingly, I found myself in a no-man’s-land on several occasions. Well, I took this as a positive challenge to pick up Mandarin, and I did so with some success.

So how should I wrap this post up? Simple. INTEC has just been another stepping stone in life, offering its own sets of lessons regarding life. As with life, this one and half years has been like a rose shrub; you have some roses as well as thorns.

I am conflicted

2007-11-21T02:55:00.000+08:00

As usual. There are no words to describe it precisely, but it will not stop me from trying. I simply cannot comprehend the intricacies at times. I relish the almost solitary lifestyle that I more often than not, find myself in. The freedom of not wearing a mask and the liberty from fear of being ostracized (or worse still, derided) are too alluring to resist. On the other hand, I despise it intensely, I hate wallowing in the surreal silence for hours at a stretch. It is dehumanizing; it is demeaning; yet time and time again I find myself here.

You see, I am here in this quandary not by choice, but rather I'm forced into it by circumstances. Few will ever understand my predicament, as hardly any have ever walked down my path. They are neither easy nor pleasant footsteps to fill in. Am I an elitist, for seeking company of my own sort? Yet do not birds of a feather flock together, except in my case I have the unfortunate distinction of being a rare avian? Nevertheless, I am thankful that I have crossed paths with other similar friends, despite it being no more than 1 or 2 individuals throughout my life.

I don’t need pity, just a little empathy. I expect little though, for who actually cares?

Free Rice and Vocabulary

2007-11-11T02:42:00.000+08:00

Your donation total is 1750 grains of rice.

http://www.freerice.com/

Help feed some people and improve your vocabulary at the same time. Authenticity certified by BBC.

I managed to reach level 41, although I hovered around level 36 most of the time. Try it now!

Disaster

2007-11-06T10:40:00.000+08:00

Preemptive Memorial Honors Future Victims Of Imminent Dam Disaster

Disasters can't be prevented right, especially those man-made? We only choose to act once a fatal bus crash or ferry sinking occurs. We only choose to act once children are abducted, brutally sexually assaulted and murdered. We only choose to act when lives are lost forever. Is it imprinted within our human nature to behave so?

Remember, remember the 5th of November

2007-11-05T17:09:00.000+08:00

Wooohoooooo!!!!! Its the 5th of November!!

Remember, remember the Fifth of November,
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot,
I know of no reason
Why Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.

Popularized by the grossly underrated 'V for Vendetta', this day stands as a symbol of liberation, a faint glow of hope of liberation from oppression and tyranny. It stands as a testament against the lies and deception of those in power. It also remains a monument for those denied justice and remain silenced, by law or worst still, death.

This day reminds us that suppressing freedom is done in the name of preserving stability and harmony of society. This day reminds us of the constant oppression and silencing of individuals with threats of past bloodshed repeating. This day reminds us that authorities pervert freedom and equal rights in the name of peace. Well, I'm referring to the movie of course, and not any real life situations. Any real-life parallels are purely coincidental and deeply regretted. :)

My favourite quotes:

Artists use lies to tell the truth while politicians use them to cover the truth up.

...ideas are bulletproof.

We are told to remember the idea, not the man. Because a man can fail. He can be caught. He can be killed and forgotten. But four hundred years later an idea can still change the world. I've witnessed firsthand the power of ideas. I've seen people kill in the name of them; and die defending them. But you cannot touch an idea, cannot hold it or kiss it. An idea does not bleed, it cannot feel pain, and it does not love.

Head over to my other blog where I'm paying tribute to this special day!

Reformation

2007-11-03T00:51:00.000+08:00

The chain of events that flamed the spiritual reformation in Europe 490 years ago. Martin Luther was opposed to the sales of indulgences by the Catholic Church, which was basically a piece of paper promising people a reduction of time spent in Purgatory not only for themselves, but for their family members, dead or alive. The catch was a payment to fill the coffers of the Catholic Church. Martin Luther criticized it for not only being motivated by greed, but also on grounds that it was going against the Scriptures. On 31 October 1517, he posted his famous '95 Theses' on the doors of a church in Germany, permanently altering the course of Christendom.

A Little Ranting

2007-10-30T22:34:00.000+08:00

Sigh. I thought I've finally put those bleak periods behind me once and for all. I thought I've pretty much slammed the door on those days, padlocked it and have moved ahead. How much more wrong could I have been for those times are back with a vengeance. Worse still, I see no light at the end of this tunnel in the short term. I hear the echoes of desolation gnawing on my heart at times, slicing away sliver by sliver. There are moments I blame the world for my predicament, at other times I lay the blame squarely on my own shoulders. However, more recently I am inclined to believe that it lies somewhere between both extremes.

Am I to be blamed for being stuck in this quandary for simply being (inherently) different to the point where my interests and perspectives diverge greatly from that of my peers? Should I be faulted for refusing to wear an ill-fitting mask in order to conform with them?

I've learnt a long time ago that playing the blame game resolves nothing. As such, I will fault no one for my circumstances. I just wished that things aren't what they are. When reality bites, it bites hard.

Hope

2007-10-28T23:54:00.000+08:00

Hope, the engine which drives us forward. It blurs past failures and gives a shine to even the bleakest of possibilities. Even through the darkest of nights, there is still a reason to believe that there is a hidden dawn on the horizon. Hope is a dream unrealized, tantalizingly within reach and requiring you to put your foot forward and grasp it.

Anyway, Happy 19th Birthday Ben!

Finals

2007-10-27T22:59:00.000+08:00

My finals are in about 8 days time. Wish I had the drive to start studying. Wish I wouldn't take things for granted. Oh well, I'm leaving INTEC in about a month, so you can expect a long tale on my reflections of life in INTEC. :)

I just saw a youtube video that I found profoundly disturbing. Usually I do not find any stuff disturbing, no matter how deviant, gross, shocking or awful, but this time I did. Probably because it struck much closer to home.

Faith will pull me through.

Prayer of the Long-sufferer

2007-10-26T19:04:00.000+08:00

A beautiful prayer for those who suffer.

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve.
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked for health, that I might do greater things.
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.

I asked for riches, that I might be happy.
I was given poverty, that I might be wise.

I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men.
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life.
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing I asked for - but everything I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.

I among all men, I am most richly blessed!

- Anonymous

Secret Recipe...

2007-10-24T23:45:00.000+08:00

Today is my exroom-mate's (Clarence) birthday, so I joined a bunch of guys celebrating his birthday at the newly opened Secret Recipe near Kolej Cemara.

My Frosty lemon tea. Tasted like 7-11's slurpee with an ice-lemon tea flavour. I guess that is what it is.

Chicken Cordon Bleu. Mine had hardly any cheese and I wonder why.

AUSMAT 18 dudes...

Scholars are just a bunch of people with too much money I guess. I've never dined in so many higher-end restaurants prior to my entry into INTEC :)

A White Pebble

2007-10-24T01:46:00.000+08:00

At long last, the Seven Seals has given way to a new layout and theme, A White Pebble. Theoretically, the Seven Seals cannot continue to exist as an integral portion of it has been removed to a separate blog, Conceptual Chaos. This blog will continue to serve as a place of my light musings, daily routine and humour.

The name is biblical and is drawn from Revelation 2:17.

He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes I will give some of the hidden manna to eat. And I will give him a white stone, and on the stone a new name written which no one knows except him who receives it.

Have you ever wondered, why a stone? Why did Christ promise those who overcome a pebble? Manna yes, I can consume, but a stone?

Well, back in those times, when a person was hauled to court, at the end the verdict would be delivered by presenting the accused with a pebble: a white pebble meant that the accused was acquitted, a black pebble indicated that the accused was found guilty.

The word for "stone" here is transliterated from Greek as "psephos" while the generic word for "stone" found elsewhere in the bible is "lithos". The word "psephos" only occurs twice, the other is found in Acts 26:10. Paul was speaking on his experience while persecuting Christians prior to his conversion.

This I also did in Jerusalem, and many of the saints I shut up in prison, having received authority from the chief priests; and when they were put to death, I cast my vote against them

The word "psephos" is translated as "cast my vote". Besides that, the word "psephos" is used instead of "lithos" in the book of Revelation. Hence, from the context of the verse in Acts, the meaning and function of "a white stone" becomes clear. So when Christ gives you a white stone, it means that He has found you "innocent" and worthy to enter into His Kingdom!

So, do you want a White Pebble now? :)

Conceptual Chaos

2007-10-16T15:04:00.000+08:00

Conceptual Chaos : A fissure in the fabric of reality, forced open by a distortion of chaos

My new blog is finally born after all this months! Henceforth, the Seven Seals will only deal with lighter stuff such as those concerning my personal life.

Transition

2007-10-07T23:07:00.000+08:00

This blog will be undergoing a transition once more. I've mentioned months ago that this blog will be revamped and split. In the process, it will be undergoing meiosis, not mitosis. For the biologically uninformed, it basically means that my two new blogs will each have themes that do not overlap.

This blog will retain my usual daily rantings, photos, humour and even tags. Yes, it will be lively, light and your-everyday-stuff; essentially a bimbo (urgh.. distasteful term) blog. It will be a window to my public life. Meanwhile, my other blog will be of a rather abstract, philosophical, intellectual and perhaps political nature. This, on the other hand is where I open my inner sanctum to those who share similar interests.

I do admit that I enjoy blogging in both realms, but I can never seem to please my complaining friends. Some enjoy the lighter side of life while others prefer the heavy weight stuff. Sit back and wait, for it is not far off!

Finally 19

2007-10-04T14:55:00.000+08:00

I see the twilight of my teenage years on the horizons. I turned 19 yesterday and have only another 365 days left of my teenage years. Years of hope and despair, calm and turmoil, joy and sadness. Somehow I don't think that will characterize my teenage years, but the rest of my life story. Life's a run on the treadmill, a ride on the roller-coaster, which just goes on and on until your momentum eventually dissipates and diminishes into nothing. Well, despite all that I have much to be thankful for in these few years of life.

I spent the day at the Curve with my former roommates of Kolej Cendana, namely Benjamin, Clarence and Vincent.

We had lunch at Tony Romas in Cineleisure, and I had Grilled Lamb.. it was quite nice. Although I'm far more accustomed to chicken and pork. :)

After that, we went to catch a movie: Skinwalkers. It was a decent movie, nothing to shout about but not too bad either (after watching Black Sheep, I guess nothing could actually be bad). And we went bowling after that. For those of you who are unaware, for every movie ticket you purchase from the cineplex in Cineleisure, you are entitled to a free bowling game in the bowling alley located above the cineplex. Rental of shoes is not free though, a pair costs RM2.

And I tried some donuts from Big Apple, located in The Curve. I was initially skeptical about it "being better than Dunkin' Donuts" but I have to concede that I agree. Haha.

Don't they look delicious?

Later at night I had a porky dinner with my family at The Magic Wok, Damansara Jaya. A lovely way to end one's birthday in my opinion. :)

Anyway, thanks for the birthday wishes all of you guys out there!

Dreams

2007-10-02T22:16:00.000+08:00

There he stood by the window, his palms pressed onto the blackened panes as he stared into the infinite beyond. Motionless, he remained there and did not flinch even as a bug scurried up his leg. He stood there, lost in a world stretching far beyond his blood shot eyes. The scene of dancing butterflies, hovering dragonflies, bustling bees in an elaborate garden with a quaint little pond stood before him, but yet he did not see it. Truly, the issues of life ran far deeper than the superficial beauty of life which, as he perceived, to penetrate no further than skin-deep. And thoughts danced and swirled into an intricate labyrinth...

Why do you remain behind these tinted panes?

Are you the master of your fate; the captain of your soul. or little more than a deluded slave of destiny?

Personality Test

2007-09-29T01:13:00.001+08:00

Just tried out some personality test. I'll say it describes somewhat accurately.

"likes solitude, not revealing, unemotional, rule breaker, avoidant, familiar with the darkside, skeptical, acts without consulting others"

Yup, that is me indeed!

Echoes of Silence

2007-09-21T01:08:00.000+08:00

Chilly is the wind which billows through the utter greyness. Into the silent nights do these wisps dissipate. A tinge of gloom lingers in the air, prying its necrosed fingers through the crevices of its crypt. A ring of silence echoes through the vast chambers before fading into the darkness.

I have long since learnt to release bitterness and hatred stored up. Its departure left an indelible mark of emptiness. The absence of negative emotions does not automatically mean that positive emotions are present for there could be nothing but a hollow shell.

I have tasted the contempt of many in the distant past; what difference does a little bile at present make?

Tough Terrible Tag

2007-09-19T01:38:00.001+08:00

THANKS TO BEN WHO THINKS THAT MY BLOG NEEDS AN UPDATE :)

Seven things to be done before my death.
1. Serve God and fulfill His will (Christ-centered not Purpose-driven life please!)
2. Prove that order and chaos are not opposites but are one
3. Find a buddy whom I can actually relate to
4. Write some books (content to be determined)
5. Master several languages including Chinese and Greek
6. Watch the world fall apart
7. Know that I did not regret living

Seven things I will NOT do even if it kills me.
1. Convert
2. Vices
3. Be ungrateful
4. Betray a true friend (yup, I’ll betray one who is not)
5. Stop thinking and contemplating
6. Stop exposing a truth publicly
7. Be different

Seven things I do when I'm away from the public.
1. Contemplate on the meaning of life
2. Ponder my next move in the Great Chess Game
3. Write out my abstract thoughts
4. Study ancient glyphs ;)
5. Design stuff on Photoshop
6. Explore the vastness of the Internet
7. Wish I was out in the public more and yet not.

Seven fav sentences/quotes.
1. *a knowing silence*
2. Erm….
3. Real “Huh??”
4. Real “What??”
5. Convenient “Huh??”
6. Convenient “What??”
7. I just know it la

Seven favourite songs from all time
1. Battle Hymn of the Republic
2. Amazing Love
3. Amazing Grace
4. Shout To The Lord
5. When It’s All Been Said And Done – Don Moen
6. I’m Just A Kid – Simple Plan
7. Welcome To My Life – Simple Plan

Seven things I'll make you wish you didn't do if you did.
1. Bully the weak
2. Think of yourself as “cooler” than others
3. Be a hypocrite
4. Act selfishly
5. Be KIASU!
6. Be jealous of others
7. Be inconsiderate

Seven people to tag.
1. June
2. Eugin
3. Sanjit
4. Ian
5. Eujeen (that’s a double tag eh) :P
6. DUN
7. NO

Mandarin

2007-09-19T00:16:00.000+08:00

我已经学习华语一年了。虽然我只会说一点可是我会听华语。我也会读和写差不多五百个华文字。现在我不是香蕉，只是我是半香蕉。哈哈哈！

Translation : I've been learning Mandarin for a year already. Although I am barely capable of speaking the language, at least I can understand when others speak. I am also able to read and write approximately 500 Chinese characters. As of now I am no longer a banana, but still am a half banana. Hahaha!

A long day

2007-09-12T20:42:00.000+08:00

I had class from eight 'til six today. Feeling so drained and I have to complete an Accounts Assignment by tonight. AUSMAT is a real torture, at least INTEC's version of AUSMAT though. I doubt it that other colleges could screw up such a program so badly. But then again, INTEC is a scholars college. So circumstances are vastly different from the mushrooming private colleges out there I guess. No offense to anyone. ;) Here are some pictures to reflect the utterly inspiring and interesting classes I went through today. Both pics were snapped using my phone. :)

A seemingly trivial but interesting event to note though. My Moral Lecturer posed a pretty unusual question at me in the midst of a class today, "Christians should correct someone who is doing wrong isn't it, Joel?"

My answer?

RIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGHHHHHTTTTTTTTTT............. :D

Logitech G3

2007-09-09T22:01:00.000+08:00

My newest mouse to replace my previous A4 Tech mouse which died barely after its warranty expired. That Murphy's Law at its finest. Or either the mouse is designed to self destruct shortly after its warranty expires. Go figure.

Modern Child Keeping

2007-09-09T18:27:00.001+08:00

Report: Many U.S. Parents Outsourcing Child Care Overseas

Help the rich!

2007-09-09T14:39:00.001+08:00

In The Know: Are America's Rich Falling Behind The Super-Rich?

Pushing Ahead

2007-09-06T14:41:00.000+08:00

Sorry guys for the lack of blogging activity. I've been engaged in a major project lately as some of you guys are aware. It's been a major battle not only externally but internally as well. Refer the immediate post below this.

The hectic pace of AUSMAT life has somewhat slowed down this week. I feel relieved and yet not so. This lull is the calm before the storm which moves ashore at the end of this month, my trials! Then my finals shall commence in early November. I should be worried and tense but I'm not. And I have no idea why the feeling of urgency has not kicked in yet, if it ever will. Weirdly, I can sense the winds of freedom billowing after the storms. Perhaps I have finally learnt to look beyond the storms.

The Watchfire

2007-09-01T13:37:00.000+08:00

The first spark flickers in the heart of darkness. The scintillating display develops as a flint scrapes against the other, squealing in agony. As the sparks scatter and falls below, the twigs and dry leaves below are set ablaze. The flame licks the dry wood, envelopes it and becomes one with it. A Watchfire is born.
Click on the watchfire to enter.

Yet another day

2007-08-31T02:15:00.000+08:00

Hey guys, still remember me?

I've been so occupied the past week with assignments and tests. I don't expect the situation to abate in the immediate future. There has been many tough lessons on life over the past week; some new, some forgotten. Well, the usual wandering in the wilderness must continue for I have few alternatives.

Coincidentally, it happens to be the 50th year of Independence today. I am no particular fan of flag fetishism as I believe that such symbols are superficial. Numbers hold little significance to me. 50 years mean nothing if no real progress is made. In fact it becomes a burden as the increased years is met with an equal rise of expectations. A patriotic citizen is the law-abiding citizen that acts in the best interest of his nation and not one that parades around with flags covering every inch of his personal belongings. Well, for what its worth anyway, Happy Independence Day!

Spider Pig

2007-08-22T02:41:00.000+08:00

LOL

Ripples

2007-08-18T22:16:00.000+08:00

The first white pebble is cast in the midst of a long drawn frigid night. It pierces the delicate silvery skin of the forlorn lake, and it unleashes its energy concealed beneath its benign appearance. The first shock waves rush outward in every direction. The polished portrait of perfection is shattered in an instant. Its reverberations echo through the entire body of water as water laps along the parched edges. As the energy dissipates into the depths of darkness, silence falls once more.

Tetelestai

2007-08-12T01:40:00.000+08:00

This is a short prose inspired by my recent study on the Greek word “tetelestai”, which is commonly translated as “It is finished”, the words uttered by Christ as He was dying. The poem describes precisely its meaning, or at least I hope it does. I'm more accustomed to writing poems of a different nature, so do pardon me if you find its craftsmanship shoddy.

Tetelestai

As He cried out on that cross, “It is finished”
As love, not nails held Him there, He uttered His last,
the earth shook and my prison bars were shattered
and there He stood before my sorrow-stricken eyes.
His arms outstretched in a loving embrace
“My child, you are free to go
for I have bore your sentence in full.
Go, and sin no more.”

As He cried out on that cross, “It is finished”,
death could not hold Him for long.
He took my ever-compounding debts,
paid them in full with His precious blood
and emancipated me from eternal slavery.
Then He hoisted me upon His shoulder,
and showed me a mansion from afar,
“My child, it awaits you at the end of your journey
where you will dwell with Me forever.”

Back to the Wilderness

2007-08-10T19:04:00.001+08:00

I find myself staring at the leaves drifting past once again. A deafening silence cloaks me despite the rustling of those withered leaves. I am staring ahead, and yet I am not; for I am truly far away exploring the hidden crevices in my mind. I do not know how many masks have I shuffled through the past week, but I know for sure that I have exhausted my entire wardrobe of masks. For one thing, every mask worn eventually demands a payment in terms of emotions for its service rendered.

The burning throbbing sensation on my palms does not cease. My hands glow of crimson and I writhe because of the wounds inflicted not by a foe, but by a friend. Deep indeed are the wounds made by a trusted one. Perhaps friends have changed, or perhaps I have erred in perceiving the true situation. Yet the wounds do not account for the sheer volume of blood on my hands. The blood of another mingles with that of mine. I cannot escape this scene. There is little to be said except that this guilt has opened the floodgates of bitter memories. I’m sorry for that all that has been said and done. I may be forgiven, but I do not know if I can forgive myself.

Perhaps it is time for me to return back to where I have always been more at home. The wilderness of the mind is a land where the laws of nature hold no sway over. There is neither life nor death planted in the dust. Driven here by my unwanted hand of mortis, it will do no harm here. I have come to realize that my gauntlet wrecks havoc on all matter it touches. I have little choice but to depart from civilisation not for my sake, but for the sake of others. I have had enough of my social missteps and the harm wrought upon others. No one, save God will understand why I do what I do. No one, save God will understand how I feel at times. Here my sole companion, loneliness awaits me to resume my journey. She stands there in silence, imploring me to move out. She has followed me most of the days of my life, and I suspect she will accompany me till I reach my dusty grave. The dry harsh winds have issued forth their call. And so I shall wander forth into the gray horizons.

Nescafe Latte

2007-08-05T10:16:00.000+08:00

I recently developed a new passion. Coincidentally, it will help me pull through my last semester in AUSMAT. The long drawn sleepless nights beckons. ;)

Split

2007-08-04T23:14:00.000+08:00

After thinking about my prior post regarding "Quality Blogging", I realized that some photo blogging and posting up some daily light blogging is necessary to give my circle of dispersed friends and family a means to know how I am doing. This puts me in a dilemma as many of my friends are complaining about how heavy my new posts are. On the other hand, there are others who enjoy reading them and like the thought provoking ideas I forward. I have thus reached the decision to create another blog to cater to this two separate niches. This current blog will be used for my regular routine and crap, while another blog will be dealing with my contemplations and complex thoughts. However, this idea could just remain as one as I am pursuing more urgent projects in the meantime. Expect changes though, in the coming weeks.

Just some musings on life...

2007-08-03T12:36:00.000+08:00

It's been another crazy week. So much has transpired but I am unable to fully describe the turn of events of this period. I will try my best to do so though.

Life is but a vapour, a wisp that dances before your eyes and is gone the next moment. The decades may seem to stretch for eternity, but each decade is no more than a grain of sand in the hourglass of time. As soon as a toddler is able to get on his feet and peer beyond the constrains of his cradle, he should be able to catch a glimpse of his grave on the horizons, complete with a tombstone etched with his name. I'm not being fatalistic, I'm staring at reality undistorted. Hence, in light of the brevity of life, do be sure that the choices you make now are the ones that you will not look back someday with regret.

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser" - John W. Gardner

You can never be sure of your tomorrows, for what if...

...you fell through that hole in the roof...

... and splattered five storeys onto the concrete below?

Because it did happen to someone in my hostel yesterday. It occurred at the block next to mine. I'm not joking, take a closer look at the picture above. The brownish stain is actually blood and the debris around it are roof fragments. I do not know if the guy who fell through survived, but circulating rumours say otherwise. I am not surprised. It would take a miracle to survive such a fall.

Besides that, what happened?

I am emotionally spent. The events of the preceding weeks have left me drained and my focus has been disrupted. I find myself staring blankly into the thin air at times, my thoughts raging in the midst of an imagined war zone. My actions during the course of this period have definitely been out of character, to the point that I surprise myself at times. What happened to the usually soft-spoken, cheerful and friendly dude? It is at times like this that I am forced to consider the possibility that I still have undiscovered triggers bidding its time to be detonated.

I should not be surprised though. After all, I received a lashing out from someone whom I never thought of as capable of doing so several days ago. It shocked me, not because of its severity, but because I always perceived the person to be extremely patient, nice, friendly, etc.. you get the picture. My heinous crime that earned me such a lashing was nothing more than to call a spade a spade after all. It looks like people don't seem to enjoy the truth being stated, be it tactful or bluntly. In fact, if it had been anyone else, I would not have been surprised, but seeing it from this person is something new. I think I may need a lesson in diplomacy.

I may have been walking around portraying my usual calm and stoical self to the world but no one has had a glimpse of the firestorm raging within. Now that the inferno of indignation has consumed itself completely, I am left to contemplate with its remnants. A fire is not solely an agent of destruction; it is also an agent of refinement. It consumes; it purifies. Whether I am consumed or purified remains to be seen…

Battle Hymn of the Republic

2007-07-29T16:04:00.000+08:00

A very old but meaningful song. :) It has an intriguing history behind it; and its scriptural depth within is simply amazing.

Here it goes:

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord:
He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored;
He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift sword:
His truth is marching on.

I have seen Him in the watch-fires of a hundred circling camps
They have builded Him an altar in the evening dews and damps
l can read His righteous sentence by the dim and flaring lamps
His day is marching on.

I have read a fiery gospel writ in burnish`d rows of steel,
"As ye deal with my condemners, So with you my grace shall deal;"
Let the Hero, born of woman, crush the serpent with his heel
Since God is marching on.

He has sounded form the trumpet that shall never call retreat
He is sifting out the hearts of men before His judgment-seat
Oh, be swift, my soul, to answer Him! be jubilant, my feet!
Our God is marching on.

ln the beauty of the lilies Christ was born across the sea,
With a glory in His bosom that transfigures you and me:
As He died to make men holy, let us die to make men free,
While God is marching on.

Anarchy?

2007-07-22T20:17:00.000+08:00

"Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one." - Thomas Paine

Ever since mankind achieved the threshold known as “civilization”, among its distinguishing traits are a hierarchical society and stable governance. Traditionally, governments have been regarded as essential for a society to develop. Apparently, the need to appoint an authority over their heads proved to be that which “civilized” human beings which brought organization and structure to society as a whole. Hence, we find the various forms of governments in every history textbooks, from the god-kings pharaohs, monarchies and theocracies to democracies.

As I have been reading lately on the shortfalls of governments worldwide, this has led me to toying with an idea, why is a government necessary? Could we do without an authority dictating our lives? Before I proceed any further, it is important that I disclaim that I am not advocating anarchism, but I find it quite a novel concept to ponder on. Far from being the chaos and bedlam that anarchy conjures up in one’s mind, anarchism actually has its proponents globally since antiquity. No, these folks are not deranged or rebels and they wear their labels as “anarchists” proudly.

The word anarchy is derived from Greek, translated literally to be “no-rulers”. Anarchism is simply a society which does not have a formal governing institution. Ok, on the surface it may not seem so feasible, but let’s start from analyzing other forms of governments. In the modern perspective, monarchism is an antiquated concept that remains as a relic of the Middle Ages. Very few absolute monarchies remain, and of those which remain are under pressure to democratize. Additionally, the traditional notion of an “empire” is now regarded as oppressive and inhuman, and so vast empires which existed in history are now fragmented into many nation-states, such as in Europe and the former Soviet Union. Meanwhile, authoritarianism is viewed as a centralization of wealth and power within the hands of an upper echelon. This high concentration of power ultimately allows them to impoverish the common peasant and conscript them to wage their personal wars for glory, all in the name of patriotism. Hence, modern society seeks to distance itself from such ideology, with the prevailing philosophy of human rights and equality.

The rise of democracy and fall of authoritarianism and empires all point at one trend, the devolution of central authority. Contemporary philosophy of governance revolves around self-determination, that is letting the common folk decide on their own fate, which society believes is best found in democracy. The doctrine of self-determination is enshrined within the UN Charter, and it is on this principle that the UN supports nations breaking of the shackles of imperialism since the mid 20^th century till the present, as in the case of East Timor. So do you see the trend now? Decentralization and dilution of authority leads to ordinary citizens having a greater say over their own lives. Now, what if we were to stretch this concept to its extreme by giving each person absolute freedom by placing his own destiny on his palm? If less authority is regarded as better, then surely no authority must be the best.

One school of thought, known as anarcho-capitalism, views capitalism as a form of anarchism. Firstly, the essence of capitalism can be described as such: if every individual strives to guard and expand his own interests, then society will function optimally. This is expressed as individuals competing in the market to satisfy his needs. Once again, the opposing end of this economic spectrum is represented by communism, or a state-controlled economy. As history has shown, communism has proved to be a dismal failure with not even a token of success. The Communist bloc of the Cold War is virtually non-existent, and its remnants such as Cuba and North Korea currently suffer from extremely low standards of living. Capitalism has once more proved to be the most effective economic system in providing for society. Our current civilization, which prides itself to be the most technologically advanced and wealthiest in known history, was made only possible through capitalism.

If the free market were to operate without any government interference, all public goods would be privatized. This essentially means that education, security and other amenities will have to be purchased at market rates. Think of it as impossible? Look at Somalia. In the absence of a government over the past 16 years, it has thrived in comparison to other African States, many of which are either democratic or autocratic. Here are some statistics. Somalia is a perfect case study of how anarchy doesn’t necessarily boot a society back into the stone ages. As a matter of fact, it is interesting to note that Somalia has one of the best communications network in Africa due to intensive competition in the deregulated telecommunications market.

In short, Anarchism works on the principle that if every person fends for himself, then society will function optimally. This is because a human being will work hardest if it is to sustain and increase his own standing, and if everyone in society were to do that, the collective result will be maximized.

I am still of the opinion that anarchism is a little overly utopian, but nevertheless, it is a fascinating scenario to delve into. Anarchism is just another passing convoluted thought. I welcome comments and do point out if you note any inconsistencies or flaws in my arguments.

Quality Blogging

2007-07-20T22:37:00.000+08:00

Blogging is a trend that has been around for several years. I have been blogging since 2004, although truth be told I did not begin to blog seriously since last year. Over the course of these few years, I have watched the blogosphere evolve and take on new forms, some more desirable, others less. As of late I have only been watching in muted horror as substandard blogs flood the blogosphere. I break this seal of silence today as I saw this new blog with a horribly messy template, overwhelming advertisements, blurred photos and extremely shallow content; this guy explicitly stated he was trying to project a mysterious aura. And for that, I give him an E for his pathetic attempt. This blog is typical of the sea of blogs which carry little, if any content; which serve little more than to lend some cheap glitter and glamour to their owners. While I deem myself unqualified to define the criteria one needs to meet before being worthy of the title "blogger", I personally feel that blogs should have an impact on their readers.

I find myself jumping around from blog to blog, feeling despaired by the shallowness. Many blogs simply scream "Look at me! Please say I'm cool, dude!". Messy templates and teeming advertising do little to mediate the situation. In fact, I'm linking this trend of substandard blogs with the recent fad of monetizing one's blog. I strongly suspect that it is the sole reason for the recent influx of blogs within this world. Capitalism, the bane that sucks human souls dry. It draws in people whom in real life would struggle to write a coherent sentence. Blogs nowadays truly lack the most important ingredient; it should reflect the soul of the blogger.

Fine, if some of these bloggers keep blogs as personal diaries or limited to within their private social circle, then I will refrain from judging those blogs. I have no rights to criticise another person if his blog was not intended for public viewing. You can't blast a person for decorating their private home according to their tastes right? However, with regards to the crappy blog I mentioned above, its owner was clearly seeking profit with no regards to his blog quality. He was trawling around forums and other such sites promoting his blog. That guy's actions are far from unique as so many people are out there trying to advertise their lousy blogs. People whom in real life would not have the guts to write a sentence for public viewing. And for that, I feel that he has granted the public a license to scrutinize his blog, and tear it apart, if they will.

Bloggers, don't just post "I went to *insert place* today... I had this for lunch with so-and-so. These are a few 'LaLa' photos of us". Rather, post your thoughts and insights on your life around you. "A picture is worth a thousand words". That cliche is a blatant lie. A photo provides nothing more than a superficial image of the person in question. A thousand words, on the other hand, colour his character, paints his personality, and breathes life into that person. When you get to know a person, you are not dissecting a skin bag of tissue and bones. You are connecting with the soul within, and you learn more about the complex engine of character and morality driving the person.

I've never discriminated blogs, but I feel that these recent events have forced me to reconsider my neutrality. Henceforth, I will be imposing higher quality control standards on this blog. My short fling with capitalism ends here. I will retain advertisements on my blog, but I will downgrade their commercial prominence. I declare myself an ardent blog critic from this point onwards. My blog hereby undergoes the following reforms:

1. No more photoblogging - Except photos of sufficient significance.
2. No more doing tags - Sorry guys, but I feel that its shallow. We have friendster and other such social networking sites for such banter.
3. Strict vetting of link-exchange
4. More intellectual and thought provoking posts

As some of you guys know, I have been hard at work in creating a new blog. I don't know if its possible, but I will strive to keep it a "quality blog". The Seven Seals will cease to be in the coming months.

I will not end this post by apologizing to anyone whom I have offended. Instead I will issue out a challenge to all bloggers who have read this post to give blogs back their rightful souls. That is if you are interested in reclaiming your blog back from that huge garbage heap out there.

Covert Storms

2007-07-15T16:45:00.000+08:00

Well, life goes on once more. The pace of life since the start of this semester several weeks ago has been accelerating rapidly. The gradual swirling of life into a vortex portends the birth of another months-long hurricane. Somehow, I sense that this gathering storm is unlike that which I've faced in the past. The waters reflect a subtle malevolence, foreboding a prolonged night of nightmares. Nevertheless as I survived the last storm relatively unscathed, so I pray for a similar outcome this season.

A Random Picture

2007-07-13T23:16:00.001+08:00

A pic I snapped in my hostel Kolej Cemara :)

Cute eh?? The mother was kinda protective though. :)

A Tribute

2007-07-13T00:23:00.000+08:00

Let this day not go unmarked. 9 years ago on this precise moment, those tears were shed with an intensity that I have never known before, and since then. 9 long years have come and gone just like that since that night but the memories still remain cemented in. I suppose that from wherever you are looking down now, you wouldn’t want to see anymore tears shed for you. And so I have moved on, but not without a sense of loss and occasional mourning. Perhaps your coming and leaving had its purpose; to teach those around you the meaning of love and patience. If that was your designated purpose by Him, then know that it was well accomplished.

I’m sure where ever you are now, it must be a better place, free from suffering. I may have known little more of you than your laughter and groaning, but since when were ties ever formed on the sole basis of words? I may never have had the chance to say goodbye; perhaps it is because your departure was never final. Nevertheless, you will still be missed, my brother. We shall meet again someday, somewhere better.

A tribute

Mid Valley Megamall

2007-07-01T23:20:00.001+08:00

Another trip this weekend, but this time to Mid Valley Megamall. It has been a very long and busy weekend but a good one nevertheless. I watched Transformers for the second time this weekend, not out of love for the movie but because my friends wanted to watch it. The things I do for the sake of friends. :) Anyway, I'll not post a second review on Transformers for two reasons. One, my opinion on the simple and kiddish plot still stands. Two, I actually fell asleep somewhere past the midpoint, only to be woken up when the credits started to roll. Oh ya guys, remember to stay back after the credits; the extra footage is split over 3 parts. So stay back 'til all the credits are over.

Anyway, the outing was to serve as Nigel's farewell before he leaves for Auckland, New Zealand next week. It's down to 3 of us this time... Where's Keane??? In Perth hor... Alas, the fellowship has been broken. Our gang, formed since form 4 (2004) is slowly dispersing, and I shall be the last of us to leave Malaysian shores next year. I shall always remember all the stupid and wacky crap we did and said back then. The paddyfield "scandal", the grandma issue, the Miss MPS's stories, my "idiots" list and many others.

We had dinner in our our traditional restaurant, Nandos! We have been eating Nandos in every outing since dunno when. I'll miss it when it comes to an end eventually.

Sanjit, me and Nigel (L>R)

The empty place next to Sanjit reserved for Keane *sob sob* :)

Nigel's crash diet plan to impress the NZ chicks ;) Nah, he's just vegetarian.

1 Utama Outing

2007-06-30T00:10:00.001+08:00

There was some Parent-Lecturer day in my college and all classes were unofficially canceled. Not that it mattered, except that we have to replace the classes missed at some point in the future. I guess happiness can indeed be borrowed from the future.

Anyway, my friends and I decided (kinda last minute I must say) to catch Transformers in 1 Utama. This time there were 5 of us, Benjamin, Clarence, Jeremy, Leon and I. The movie was neither the best nor worst movie that I've watched. No spoilers here though, so you can read on. I'll rate it somewhere between those two extremes. I'll rate it high for the special effects and realistic CGI (Computer Generated Images) but low for the rather simple storyline. I'm not one for a movie that portrays clear-cut black and white morality. The "good" guys fight for the sake of goodness, spouting out some shallow justification which just doesn't cut it. Same goes for the "bad" guys. Life ain't always that simple you know. The good guy isn't 100% good and vice versa for the bad guy. I'll discuss ethics here another day though.

After that, we went to eat lunch at TGIF. Decent food, and we got some free food at the end of it, but it will have to be redeemed sometime within the next couple of month. So that means yet another outing to get it guys. :)

Jeremy, Benjamin, Leon, Me and Clarence (L>R)

Mac n Cheese (Yummy!)

Chicken Parmesan (Not-so-great - Chicken was bland)

Chicken Parmesan Quesadillas (Quite tasty - except I don't like tomatoes)

Pale Dawn

2007-06-28T15:22:00.000+08:00

So this is the pale dawn. A chilly gray morning, devoid of the characteristic colours that give life its flavour. No morning songs of the early bird, no striking blossoms, no fresh morning dew, no warmth from the sickly yellow sunbeams, no rejuvenated life that accompanies each sunrise. The air is frosty and heavy, it smothers and casts a heavy shadow of gloom on those who dare to step upon this path. It is no less of a tragedy each time one's life loses its taste and its pulse runs weak.

Tragic, isn't it? In truth, sunrise is not so dismal; but it is the eyes and ears of one which remain shut. Such is a person that he can go through life without sensing its wonders. Surely this has not been imposed on that individual against his own will. The truth could be not any further from that. Ultimately, it is the person who chooses to embrace such deafness and blindness by allowing himself to be choked by the world. We will all undergo the trials that is to come. Whether we sink and drown or soar over the storms is in our hands.

Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him
For the help of His countenance.

Psalm 42:5

Kem Bina Insan

2007-06-24T18:16:00.000+08:00

I have just returned back from another camp that I am required to undergo as a prerequisite for my scholarship. It lasted from Friday evening 'til Sunday afternoon. The camp was carried out in Lakeview Training Center, Sungai Tinggi, Selangor. It was by no means strenuous like the last camp that I attended but it was worse in some ways. I won't carry out a long critical analysis of this camp, unlike the previous camp, as this camp lacked the passionate rhetoric of that camp. However, it would be unfair to compare both camps directly using the same yardstick as each camp was designed with different intentions and objectives. My best guess on the objectives of the first camp, BTN, were to ensure that we return back to Malaysia after completing our studies in Australia and New Zealand. I would say that the second camp was aimed at encouraging us to hold fast to our "Asian" values while living abroad. I have no problems with such goals, but I did have a problem of the mode of implementation, which I fully intend to explain here. :)

The camp involved several modules whereby we had to undergo over the course of the 3 days spent there. Personally I was quite apprehensive before the camp, and after going through it, I conclude that I was right to feel so. The methods used to inculcate moral values include manipulation of emotions and implanting bigoted social theories, but I will not touch on the latter in public domain (contact me for further details if you are curious).

Most of the activities we had to carry out were pretty mild, except for two which I found to be quite repulsive. The first, which actually consisted of two separate events, but I'll lump them as one since they run along the same theme. It was basically some emotionally-charged charade in which it saw a large portion of the camp participants breaking down and crying. Even some guys succumbed to the emotional lulling.

The events basically started with some Dharmic-type of meditation (which I refused to participate out of personal beliefs) which dragged on for along time followed by some emo-music(I think!) being played and the facilitators sputtering and sobbing asking us to bring images of our parents and all that they have done for us. Oh, how pathetic was the scene when many of the camp participants started crying themselves. Not that I have anything against appreciating parents, it is one of the most fundamental duty of a human being. But as I have mentioned before, I do not like to be dictated on how I should love anyone, be it my parents or my country. More so in this case, when all this outpouring of emotions is little more than an artificially induced scenario. Love is to be given freely, not demanded or forcefully elicited. Furthermore, I must state that I thought of the facilitators as shedding no more than crocodile tears and running a Grammy-award-deserving show. Come on, you can't be weeping sincerely at every camp that you are running, and hope to con the participants.

The second activity which drew the ire of me and most of my friends was a module called "Emergency Plane". It was about 11pm on Saturday night when the module was launched. We were thrown into a scenario whereby we had to plead with the plane's captains (who were just the facilitators) to allow us to board the place to Australia (which is my actual destination next year). Plead is such a mild word... beg is more like it. We had to literally get on our knees and beg them to "let us fly to Australia". I found this exercise so degrading, humiliating, cheapening, mortifying, shameful and embarrassing. The words of one of those present there, Erica, rang so true in my ears indeed. I can't recall her exact words, but it goes along this line, "My parents are paying taxes to fund this people to degrade me!". It's not empty whining, because it is true; this camp was funded by the taxes paid by Selangorians, which include my parents!

At first, the few of us "pakat" to stay put and not go an kneel before them, 'til time ran out. But the facilitator was "unable" to keep track of time, and kept extending the "boarding time" so we had no choice but to eventually go and beg as it was quickly approaching midnight. I was actually fully prepared to received any amount of blasting from the facilitators instead of kneeling and begging. At least I would have retained some dignity and pride to face others. But it was not so... No, don't downplay the issue and say its nothing. We Chinese do not simply kneel before anyone. It is a serious insult to our dignity and evokes images of a condemned prisoner pleading before an emperor for the lives of himself and his family. It is a slap in our faces to be forced to do so. If we must kneel without shame, it would be before dignitaries and divinity. Do those facilitators qualify as either one of them? I do not have to provide the answer to such a ludicrous question.

I did not grasp the purpose of the activity, other than to directly humiliate us. Perhaps they can justify it by giving some weak reasoning.

Here are some pictures of the camp. It does not evoke much sweet memories, but I'll put them up anyway. After all, bitterness complements sweetness.

Sungai Tinggi Dam

The Camp

The guys dorm

Double beds shared by 2 people each! I got a single bed fortunately

The canteen

My group doing a presentation on Abstinence :)

Some balloon bursting game

THE HUMILIATION

THE HUMILIATION (from another angle)

Eating with hands :S

The farewell

The bus ride home

My regular "meal group" :)

Voyages

2007-06-21T14:43:00.000+08:00

Drifting from one signpost to another, each bearing a vague name of its own, marking the arrival at yet another station of life. What eases the passage from one station to another? The currency of maturity, as I have realised, is essential in lubricating the journey from one outpost to another. Nevertheless, some are naturally endowed in abundance, others must accrue it by undertaking painful journeys to distant places while many simply scrape through life dealing with what little life has afforded them with.

Maturity greases the wheels by which one travels through life. It gives the one who has more of it an edge in dealing with the unpredictability of life. In contrary to popular belief, I firmly believe that maturity is not automatically conferred with age. I believe that it is nurtured and learnt, very much like how a child acquires language. Furthermore, as every individual has his own learning curve, likewise different people mature at varying progression rates. Some must sojourn further and for a longer duration as compared to others. In this context, I am not referring to physical journeys like pilgrimages, but rather, the mental and emotional seas that one must sail through at different stages of life. It is not the ends by itself that matters, but rather it is the journey that bestows wisdom and experience. Despite it all, I stand here unable to judge if maturity is a final destination or a lifelong journey.

A New Chapter - Kolej Cemara

2007-06-18T21:43:00.000+08:00

It is a new dawn... Somehow a new dawn always tastes sweeter, even more so after a night of bitterness. And at long last all the tears of sorrow spilled has been replaced with that of joy and hope. I registered at Kolej Cemara today, but I have decided not to move in today, rather I will do it tomorrow. Here are a few pictures of Kolej Cemara.

Kolej Cendana - An E-Scrapbook

2007-06-15T01:30:00.000+08:00

I shall be starting life anew for my last semester in INTEC next week! I keep reminding myself, its just a few more months, bear with it. It is just a brief station of life, a small stepping stone in the lake of life. Life should take a turn for the better next year. :)

As for my accommodation, I am moving to Kolej Cemara next week. I have seen it with my own eyes, and to put it mildly, I've seen far better dwellings. Grr... to be booted out of my previous hostel, Kolej Cendana to make way for the incoming juniors is simply annoying after living there a full year. Well, I must admit that I was quite apprehensive about moving there initially. It is a tad bit isolated but at least security was not much of an issue, being located next to a police station. I certainly will not miss the mamak restaurant Dawood, the only decent restaurant in the vicinity. Ever since moving there, I feel sick of mamak fare. It is something I could do without nowadays. The haphazard (non-existent) parking system there was quite inconvenient at times. The need to keep our furry(?) legs out of sight when out of the rooms was pretty dumb too. Those admins must suffer from leg-hair envy. Heh...

Despite its shortcomings, Cendana will always have a place in my memories. It was a place where many a friendships were forged, and that will definitely outlast the relatively short stay in Cendana. I would suppose that it is appropriate for that to be the main avenue of forging friendships, seeing that much of my time in INTEC is spent attending classes. I'll miss those lepak sessions that lasted for hours and stretched through the nights. It was a place where I gained much experience on life and opened my mind to a different world. Prior to this, I had no friends from other parts of Malaysia, much less outside the Klang Valley. And for that, I believe that I leave Cendana for the better. For instance, I arrived at Cendana a banana (香蕉人-Haha!) , and leave it still as one, but a lesser one (半香蕉?) nevertheless. Thanks to my friends there who patiently taught me - Clarence, Vincent, Jin and the rest.

Well, I'll conclude this blog post with photos. After all, what is a scrapbook without photos?

Let the tour of Kolej Cendana begin...

Exterior view of Cendana

Welcome to Kolej Cendana...

This is the compound where the guys usually play futsal and basketball. Those colourful tents host the cafe and burger stall.

And that's a really cute kitty... Don't worry, you'll encounter more around here. The cats here breed like, erm... rabbits.

Ok la... that's all for Cendana. Tour ends here. Two blocks only ma.. What else is there to see?

What? You want to see inside my room? How can la...! Respect my privacy a bit.

*mutters grudgingly after some persuasion*

Ok, I'll let you in for awhile. Touch anything and you get your ass out of here!

I live on the 4th floor, so we have to walk up quite a bit...

And this is my room, 1406.

This is the main room, where all the study tables are

That's Clarence, my roommate, say hi!

And my bedroom, sorry for the mess.

That's me doing some math with Clarence

Wanna join in our game of Choh Dai Di?
Me(green), Benjamin(dark blue), Clarence(yellow), Brian(white)

Ok, now that we are really done with Cendana, how bout some teh tarik?

The end.

The Seven Seals Unleashed

2007-06-13T17:13:00.000+08:00

404 Error : Mental Convolutions not found

If you have been here over the past few days and possess a keen eye, you would have noticed subtle shifts in this blog layout. A little modification here and there, nothing too drastic. You might find yourself puzzled to see it changing from visit to visit. Nevertheless, these were precursors of shifting tectonic plates within this blog. Designing and fiddling with HTML (Thanks a lot to Chee Meng for helping out with that!) were not easy tasks.

The hour has come to unveil the new form that Mental Convolutions has transmuted into; Behold The Seven Seals. Upon completing its transformation, the Seven Seals is driven with a new purpose, a new torchbearer and a new hope of things to come. The Seven Seals is also an attempt to improve content clarity and present a more "user-friendly" image for the average blog hopper out there. This upgrade is by no means unique, it has occurred before almost a full year ago when I toned down on grandiloquence (bombasticity) when I resuscitated Mental Convolutions by transferring it to its current location (as the previous account was no longer accessible). If you are curious as to what I am talking about, take a look here. If grandiloquence was the issue remedied in the previous upgrade, I pledge to reduce ambiguousity this round. Yes, I am pretty much aware that much of my posts in the past have been quite vague except to a selected few.

However, I will still retain most of the traits of its old self like my general philosophical musings, poetry and self-inflections. For starters, this is my inaugural poem for The Seven Seals. :)

Broken Seal
6th June 2007

Tears so frail plunge from hallowed sky,
bearing dark tidings of doom.
Opaque drops slam onto blackened earth.
It is an ominous orchestra of the shadows
accentuated with roars of wrath
resonating with a macabre applause;
and flares of fury
casting an occasional grim spotlight.
The tears of anguish have long gone unheeded.
The echoes of torment swept into the wastelands.
The hour is late, far too late for atonement;
it has been unleashed.

Mental Convolutions was. The Seven Seals is.

Welcome to The Seven Seals!

Metamorphosis

2007-06-12T23:01:00.000+08:00

Transmutation, it is the key to survival in a rapidly changing environment. The winds of change are sweeping through, carrying away those who fail to adapt. Mental Convolutions has entered into a new phase of its existence, it shall fall dormant for now, but not for long... The death of one is life for many.

Port Dickson

2007-06-11T16:22:00.000+08:00

More pics from Port Dickson, some are quite interesting. I actually did more than just pose by the beach there. :) It was a holiday, but not just a typical holiday as I found it quite meaningful. One thing that I've realized is that "they" can be very nice people. To extents that I've never seen or experienced before. So much so that it forced me to reevaluate and adjust my perception of them several notches up. Some will view it as traitorous but others will welcome it as maturity. Change is purely relative and is subject to personal interpretation though.

That's me, the third person from the front.

Anyway, here are pics of just some of the places I visited...

An Ostrich Farm in PD:

And also a Military Museum there, or rather Muzium Tentera Darat which I found quite fascinating. We were showed the weapons used throughout Malaysia's history, dating back from the period of the Malaccan Sultanate, through the Colonial periods by the Portuguese, Dutch and British Imperialists subsequently until the post-Independence era.

An anti-Tank mine

An anti-personnel mine

A modern rocket launcher

An armoured military vehicle...

And its interior

And the visit to the museum ended by a tour of the communist insurgency era. We were given a thorough lecture and I must say that the authorities did go far and wide to collect evidence and document the lifestyle of the communists then. You will see why I said that in a while. I was even brought into an underground bunker that is supposedly a replica of the real thing somewhere in Malaysia.

CPM = Communist Party of Malaya

Communist tunnels...

and Communist medication...

and Communist propaganda material...

and even Communist bras and (archaic) sanitary pads!

Whoever procured it for the museum must have had some unusual fetish. Weird huh? :D

The Gathering Storms

2007-06-07T22:28:00.000+08:00

I'm back! Here are some pics of me contemplating life by the beach in Port Dickson. :)

What do you guys think when you see these pics?

At long last

2007-06-03T17:49:00.000+08:00

I was baptized yesterday at Templer's Park in Ulu Kanching. Around 15 members of the congregation witnessed the event. It was a slightly solemn but joyous affair. Although symbolic, it certainly marks a milestone in the journey of faith. Praise God! :)

The 15 of us who were baptized

This marks the end of a very busy week. Nevertheless, it has been a great and enjoyable week hanging out with friends and trying out new activities. Went for dinner in Uncle Jeff's home yesterday night. I tried out all kind of kids games and puzzles, which proved to be very challenging. No wonder kids nowadays are so smart. It took a few of us relatively "old" people to solve puzzles designed for kids say, 5 or 6 years old? Embarrassing la... Oh ya, went to watch Shrek 3 with Eugin on Friday and it was a good movie, despite so many people disagreeing with me. Anyone else care to disagree? I found it so funny :)

I'm heading off once more to Port Dickson now with my family for another few days before going to Malacca to spend the rest of the week there. Bye guys.

Holidays (Warning - Photo Loaded)

2007-05-31T21:25:00.000+08:00

I’ve been away the past five days or so, and you would have probably noticed it if you drop by regularly. I spent the last Saturday and Sunday in Port Dickson with my family, for er, Family Day. :) Although Port Dickson is famed for its beaches, the resort that I stayed in was nowhere near the beach, but attempted to replicate the beach by having an artificial beach cum water theme park. But since it was at the beginning of the holidays, the pools were constantly infested with kids and naturally I steered clear of the pools.

After that, on Monday I went for my old school's Christian Fellowship Camp. I've been participating in it the past 2 years and this year is no exception. The camp was held in the Sufes Campsite, Tapah which is located at the foothills of Cameron Highlands. I was last here in 2005, and there has been some changes in the campsite itself. It proved to be as eventful as the previous camp, as some of you probably recall ;). Well, I learnt many things from the camp. Well,it proved to be quite an interesting experience and so goes the saying. "Experience is a harsh teacher. First comes the test, then comes the lesson."

The camp proved to be a timely respite from life. I actually managed to put my stressful life in INTEC behind. All those hauntings... those days of crushing stress, depression, loneliness, bitterness and confusion were left behind. Perhaps the storm has finally calmed. Perhaps this is an open door to start things anew, now that the old is gone. The cycle of life is never broken.

Since the theme of the camp was "Discovery", I discovered many things. Firstly, I realised that I do have limits in areas of patience and calmness. I've always prided myself as a stoic who remains unchanged and in control of myself despite the circumstances but this camp proved otherwise. I am surprised at myself too for discovering that I have a violent streak buried deep somewhere inside me. Not that it is something to be proud of though. Leadership comes at a price of self-sacrifice at times. It is the leader who serves his people, not the other way around. Nevertheless, the camp was fun, and everyone had a great time there.

Ok, so now on to the photos... And so on the bus ride there, let me introduce our camp commandant Eugin who is just a little bit camera shy... ;)

Oh yea, he has blogged on this camp too.

Then in 2005

Now in 2007

Dorm then back in 2005 (with a sleepy Daniel Sim :) )

Dorm now in 2007

Daniel Sim, Daniel Tan and Philip (L->R)
Philip and Manu

Adam, Timothy and Dorje (L->R)

Spider web game...

Build a structure using straws and chewed chewing gum (gross!)

The beloved CF teacher, Miss Lee, Daniel Sim and Adam (R->L)

Eva and Mr Terence, our camp speaker.

The End.

Ps. The photos up here have been highly compressed. I have many more photos but I can't post them here due to space constraints. If you want other photos or higher quality photos, don't hesitate to ask me for them. :)

Experience

2007-05-25T19:08:00.000+08:00

An experience...

Now I know what it is like to be robbed. Literally. Almost, not robbed but close to it. Thank God. I was jogging around my neighbourhood about 20 minutes earlier, when a motorcyclist rode up to me. I was just beside a deep drain when he rode up and cornered me. An Indian chap, I would guess in his early 20s asked me for directions in Malay, to a place that was no where near my neighbourhood at all. Couldn't see his face clearly due to his helmet. I told him so, and he suddenly he took out a crowbar about 20 cm long and demanded for my phone. I was jogging and wasn't carrying anything with me, and told him so but he didn't believe me so he actually went through my pockets but they were empty of course. He promptly hopped onto his motorcycle and zoomed of around the corner in a blink of an eye before I could note down anything. It happened just a few houses away from mine and I went home after that of course. It happened in daylight! Crazy...

I just thank God that I am safe and lost nothing...

That which does not kill me makes me stronger

Ps. I'm ok. I'm not traumatized or anything. So don't have to ask me if I'm ok or not. :)

A New Dawn

2007-05-24T01:03:00.001+08:00

Light pierces the black horizon; an almost imperceptible glimmer on the ascent. The nights of darkness have stretched far beyond the endurance of hope; imbued with an unnatural life of its own. The seemingly eternal grip of darkness has been shattered. Chirping birds awake from their long slumber. New green shoots are put forth by the land, it rejoices with hope of renewed life. A very faint glint, but nevertheless it whispers promises of a brighter day ahead. A promise to reverse the wrongs committed throughout the darkness. There is no undoing the harm wrought in the past, but the path of atonement is unveiled by daybreak. And it shall end as a pilgrimage that has long strayed from its intended destination which shall once more find its footing.

I judge myself by what I will do, others judge me by what I have done.

Crossroads

2007-05-21T23:17:00.001+08:00

So the holidays have began, and will last out a whole month. A semester has ended, I've moved out of my hostel Kolej Cendana, (which I will blog about one of these days), and the last page of another chapter beckons. I shall label this chapter "Crossroads", hinting of the covert turbulence that has been rocking my vessel. As with any typical story, it began on a high note of optimism and confidence of a trouble free trek. As the cliche goes, every garden has its snake, and mine is no exception. Yes, it is a chapter littered with peals of genuine laughter and radiates human warmth, but it also harbors stains of suppressed tears and bitterness, if you were to look between the lines. The echoes of whispers uttered in darkness has reached my ears. Not once, nor twice, but more than I would actually care to enumerate.

There are trees that cannot thrive in the wastelands. Heap a tonne of manure and a river basin of water, the tree will still wilt and be ravaged eventually. Meanwhile for example, some have shown the true value of friendship, and others have done the exact opposite. I have seen with my eyes and beyond, the hearts of some, scheming to manipulate and milk others dry. I say nothing, not out of helplessness, but because I believe that it is pointless to steer a ship with a damaged rudder. It will only sail in the desired direction for so long before going astray eventually. Likewise there are those whose eyes are so clouded with their own judgmental and egoistic nature.Never mind about that for experience has taught me that the pleasant memories mingled with bitterness provides for a complete chapter. There is nothing like a dash of pain to reinforce and distinguish the reality of a dim memory from a distant dream.

Countless grains of time have fallen in a fine cascading mist marking the passage of time. I hereby list down several issues that I hope will take a turn for the better in the coming chapter:
1. Stronger willpower and calmness
2. Deflect underhanded taunts and poised knives
3. Relight the torch of hope
4. Focus on the narrow road ahead

This list is non-exhaustive and could be extended as I develop more ideas. That's all for now. Goodnight.

Masks

2007-05-16T19:49:00.000+08:00

Masks. They are largely ingrained in popular culture with a variety of connotations. Mention the word masks, and it instantly conjures up images of innocent kids caught in the midst of their playful banter imitating superheroes or their nemesis. On the flip side of the coin, masks can also evoke sinister pictures of a sadistic serial killer prowling around in search of prey to satisfy his twisted lusts. So well, masks of varied designs occupies every rung throughout the spectrum of emotions. A mask for every occasion. Gaudy clown masks elicit laughter, white opera masks instill a sense of mystery bordering on coldness while demonic masks inspire fear and discomfort.

So how do masks work? Basically they work by granting the one who wears it a temporal personality, and the person becomes whom the mask represents. To put it simply, the mask takes over the individual and expresses its nature through that particular person.

So now what? If you've been reading my blog long enough, you should know that I do not delve into such abstract information to such depths without identifying a parallel concept in daily life. Life demands that we wear masks at times. Not literally, but in the sense where we betray our true selves and adopt a new personality to suit the occasion. No serious harm if we indulge in it occasionally for social purposes, but the risk is it becomes a part of us. Not just a mask where we can put on at will, but one that can slip in insidiously and take over us without us realizing.

I'm guilty of that as well, on more than a single occasion. I cannot ever take them off, its just an issue of switching between masks. It is a daily choice between a wide assortment and these are just to name a few : the most common - the silent indifferent "I don't care" mask; the humorless philosopher; the fatalistic griper; the stoical commentator; and probably the rarest - the bubbly cheerful crapping teen. Perhaps they each form a part of the fractal that I call "Myself". No, I will not tie them down to moods, since I am able to switch at will regardless of emotions. That is why I classify them as masks. A mask to deal with alternating situations. Which goes to say that I am meticulous in crafting a specific mask to deal with a social situation. Those whom I choose to shut out of my life, will never find a door in.

Tag!

2007-05-13T23:32:00.000+08:00

Found out that I've been tagged by Eugin . Hmm... this one is a bit lame but here it goes anyway :

5 THINGS FOUND IN YOUR BAG(school bag)
1)pencil box
2)books
3)CDs (games and movies)
4)headphones
5)calculatos

5 THINGS FOUND INSIDE UR PURSE/WALLET
1) MyKad
2) Money
3) Driving License
4) My Photo
5) Business Cards

5 FAVOURITE THINGS IN MY ROOM
1) bed
2) magazines
3) air-conditioner
4) books
5) pillows

5 THINGS UR CURRENTLY INTO
1) Theological Apologetics
2) Mandarin Language
3) Blogging
4) Electronic gadgets
5) Widening my social horizons

5 PEOPLE YOU WILL TAG
I hereby tag:

1) Keane (You wanted to read a happy post, so here’s it! :) )

2) Benjamin

3) Weijin (Something for you to blog about)

4) Erm…

5) No one else lor… Since you guys read only and never run your own blogs ;)

Detached

2007-05-13T20:32:00.000+08:00

It is yet another day of misery in my world that is colored with a tint of anguish. Reluctantly, I stare in muted resignation as the world around me disintegrates and mutates into shimmering contortions. So things have finally come down to this...

Those dreams are starting to fade. The intricate details etched on its surface melts and merges into a blur. Its fabric of existence frays and vanishes into the river to time. Its vibrant colors darkens, and fade altogether into a uniform sea of blackness. And I shall dream no more...

I've had it with the sheer arrogance of some people. Some people do like to put on a cape of righteousness and crusade around accusing others of lacking morals such as compassion when their closets struggle to contain in the amassing skeletons. Some like to claim that they have the higher moral ground, but as far as I'm concerned, they are treading on clouds. I suspect some do it for either gratification of play-acting the good guy, or some other ulterior motive such as hoping for self-gain. It is a shame to go around proclaiming judgment when your own morality is in question. Hypocrite! In my opinion, it is far better to just shut up instead of saying that which exposes blatant hypocrisy.

When it's all been said and done

2007-05-10T22:37:00.000+08:00

When it's all been said and done
All my treasures will mean nothing
Only what I have done
For love's rewards
Will stand the test of time
~Don Moen

Collision Course

2007-05-05T10:28:00.000+08:00

It is one of those rare moments when my life is spinning out of control. In the past month or so, it feels that way as everything is falling apart. The world that I once knew has been shaken at its foundations. I feel like I'm in a vehicle hurtling at ever increasing speeds towards an unknown destination. And one can't help but get the feeling that he is on a deadly collision course if one were trapped in that vehicle called life. From my academics to social life, everything is in shambles, or on the way there at best. My mid-semester exams are coming up, and with my confidence having been depleted over recently bungled tests and quizzes, it does not augur well. The road ahead looks daunting, even impossible at times to traverse. Even some of the very few of whom I have counted as close friends until very recently have eventually proved otherwise. Perhaps it has been faulty judgment on my part, as some have taken it to be no more than friendships of convenience. Here today, gone tomorrow. It is just another drop in my ocean of darkness. Why must fate laugh so cynically?

I must apologize to my remaining friends who are forced to put up with my excessive(?) griping recently. I do not seek pity, it is only that pent up emotions need to be vented out occasionally, especially through this exceptionally rough patch of life. It is usually in vain, as most are unable to comprehend my issues. It is that I am just too different.

Adrift

2007-04-30T00:22:00.000+08:00

"If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favourable" - Seneca

An unanchored vessel adrift in the vast oceans. So it seems that the sands of time have almost ceased to flow. From dawn to dusk, and then dawn once more, a routine which grinds itself into reality, effectively numbing any sense of anticipation. To be in dire want of navigational aids, yet the night is cloudy and as fate should have it, a broken compass. A distant storm brews in the horizon, its ominous presence revealed by flashes of lightning stretching across the heavens. Through each passing moment, its features are etched clearer and its hissing roar growing all the more sinister.

Up upon this forsaken deck, I feel the impending gale grazing my cheeks. I sense the reverberations echoing beneath me through the hollow wave-battered hull. I hear its silent groans of despair and decay, whispering of neglect. There is no turning back from this calamity, where the winds and waves toss the vessel, that is where it shall go. There is neither fear, dread nor trepidation, only a numbed resignation to fate. To what end this vessel meets, that will be mine too. The voyage has drawn out over the years and I have learned that the seas remain as unpredictable as ever.

Deep down within I do not have the courage to hope, much less smile just once more. As I recount the legends of those who defied society and sought out new worlds, I see the prospects of myself being ranked within their league grow dimmer with each passing day. Legends and myths which herald back to days when men sojourned to the ends of the world, seeking for a multitude of answers to the mysteries of life. To what pillars did they cling onto within as the world around them crumbled? How then did they fare through the darkest nights of melancholic solitariness?

I have undertaken this solitary journey not by choice, but rather, coerced by fate. As far as I'm concerned, few, if any will ever understand why I am aboard this vessel. Perhaps, just perhaps, those who are forced to board vessels of their own will recognize my reasons for doing so. Many question this unconventionality but the best answer I have to offer them is no more than a faint smile and a shrug. Thus, here I stand alone, the sole soul upon this derelict.

The Political Dilemma

2007-04-28T22:16:00.000+08:00

UPDATED : This post may have been changed since your last visit. It now contains an additional philosophical spin :)

Over the past few days, I've been keenly observing the local political scene, namely that of the Ijok by-election. While I am largely unconcerned about the final outcome of the election, what bothers me the most is the way the entire election process was conducted. I will not go into the details, as I do not intend to nor have the capacity to act as a political analyst, but (speaking strictly within the capacity of a layperson) I am frankly quite disgusted by the immaturity and barbarism displayed by all sides involved.

For instance, resorting to childish insults, bottle throwing, pushing and shoving etc. ; you would be forgiven for assuming that such behavior should have long been consigned within a kid's nursery. It is at this point that I will introduce a dilemma that has been swirling in my head. Firstly, I'll unveil the bedrock of this dilemma by quoting Plato :

"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber."

Ok, so my perspective on all the happenings in that by-election is just a reflection of the larger picture. Personally, I consider all those acts as uncivilized and I have no desire to dabble in politics, much less touch it with a pole. Henceforth, that is the price that we must pay if we choose to eschew politics, be it simply out of conviction, or perhaps a dash of pride, that we are superior to that form of power wrangling. By now, I'm sure you people can see the dilemma, which logically leads to only two possibilities (save emigrating) :

1. Steer clear of any political involvement
2. Descend into the political pit and join in the mudslinging

The first choice is to choose the path of a passive and apolitical citizen. To choose that fate is to suffer the consequences of being ruled by idiots. You lose your rights to kick up a fuss that "you could have done a better job than that primate up there", simply because you failed to exercise your constitutional liberties, that is to engage in politics.

The second choice is hardly a better option. Yes, it may require guts to enter an arena and hope to tame the beasts. While that may seem to be an amicable solution, it is far more likely that you end up mauled to death. Unless, of course, you fight like a beast yourself with all its ferocity and tenacity, and be transformed into a beast in the process. Yes, politics in reality is only interested in the survival of the fittest. It bestows power on him that outwits his foes. Therefore, I am of the opinion that those who enter into politics with the noble intention of bringing genuine changes are naive. Sooner or later, they will be consumed by the system that they seek to change. It can be summed up easily in two words : Power corrupts.

So, this is the dilemma that I'm describing. I desire political change, a dream of it shifting to a higher place of maturity. On the other hand, standing by and observing the whole drama does nothing to improve the situation. Hence, any course of action taken to improve the system will eventually lead back to square one. Since both paths lead to a roughly similar outcome, which should I choose? Pardon me if I don't make any sense. It might just be that blogging at 3am tends to cloud one's senses.

Jin, Jeremy and I in the INTEC library

Well, the pic above says plenty about what I've been stuck with over the past few days. Had to sit for a math test, and ended up studying like crazy all the way 'til the last lap. Now that it is over, I still feel numb about it. I'm neither satisfied nor disappointed. Don't ask me why... I just feel that way.

Just another passing thought...

2007-04-25T13:05:00.000+08:00

Reporting in from the AUSMAT com lab. Its been a while since I last blogged from this place, but here I am, inspired by a recent turn of events to post some thoughts. Further fuelled by discussion with a friend (you know who you are ;) ), my abstract thoughts have gradually evolved and taken on a sufficiently concrete form to be blogged about here.

Acceptance

It is an enigma embedded in the soul of every human being. We seek it from various quarters, starting from our families, to friends, and then extending to society at large. So said the philosopher Aristotle, “He who is unable to live in society, or who has no need because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a beast or a god”. It is something that all of us desire it, consciously or not. And yet, we are too proud to admit to that fact, apparently finding the act of seeking acceptance directly from a fellow human being as degrading. Thus we do it discreetly, either by indirect or subconscious means.

Perhaps it is nature's rule of thumb that those who deviate away from convention are doomed to be outcasts, or far worse. For example, death would be almost instantaneous for a fish that displays either physical or behavioural characteristics which fail to conform to that of the rest of the shoal. Could the same rule apply to us humans? Could it be that some live on the fringe of existence simply because of this law while others live in blissful communal ignorance? For some, a little adaptation by taking up a mask will easily convince the herd that he is truly one of them. For some others, no masks will ever truly conceal their abberation or uniqueness (depending on your point of view).

Many have never felt its significance, except perhaps at fleeting moments in their lives. It is probable that the abundance of it in their lives have numbed their senses. However. some others crave for it, being allotted an insufficient amount by life itself. Fewer still spend a lifetime seeking it, being deprived of it almost completely. Some walk upon the road of desolation not by choice, but because of circumstances beyond their control. So where do you stand? Have you spent your days taking it for granted, only because you have never tasted the bitterness of its deficiency?

Dream Once More

2007-04-23T00:17:00.000+08:00

Dark have been my dreams of late.
Those, those memories will never forsake me,
they clawed at wounds that never truly healed.
They casted a shroud of eternal darkness,
yet I sojourned on stained in tears and blood.
Resigned to this curse I bear on my palm
I dared not dream, much less hope once more
‘Til a single beam broke the darkness.
Perhaps a glimmer of hope lingers…

12.30 am. Should be getting ready for bed. :) Goodnight folks.

BTN Camp!!! Warning - Very long post

2007-04-20T23:28:00.000+08:00

I'm back!! I survived this Biro Tatanegara (BTN) Camp. Essentially, it revolved around instilling patriotism and fostering unity. Read on more below to find out more about it. Basically what I did was to revive a tradition that I used to carry out occasionally during my schooling days; that is "offline blogging". It simply meant that I blogged in a notebook since I did not have access to the net at that moment and yet I had plenty of stuff to write then. I would then transfer the “offline blog” to my real blog. The need for “offline blogging” arose again since I wanted to keep track of what happened during the BTN camp and provide you guys with an accurate and descriptive blog post in chronological order. The time (XX:XXam/pm - ) preceding the text indicates the time of writing on that particular day. If the Offline Blog part bores you feel free to skip it and proceed to the pics at the bottom of the page.

--*Offline Transcription Begins*--

Day 1 (15th April)
8.00 pm – And so it begins...

Camp has been tolerable as of this point. I am writing this during a “moral lecture”. Well, does it really qualify as one? Only if you are willing to compromise your values and logical reasoning, then yes, it does fit the criteria of one. Ok, firstly the lecture dealt with enemies of the state. Fine, I’ll accept the premise that most states have enemies. Conflict seems to be an integral part of humans, so conflicts between states should be viewed as a norm. However, to insist that every critter sitting on your doorstep has a hidden agenda to undo your household is well within the realm of delusional paranoia. I strongly feel that the aim of this lecture is to foster a sort of tribalistic patriotism. Ok, how does this work? Firstly, create phantom enemies to stir up fear in the hearts of people. Then exploit this fear to drive the people to unite against this common enemy. Tada! You have instant patriotism. Sure, this creates unity and patriotism but how adhesive is the glue of fear in the long term?

Ok, so let’s take a look at this from a global perspective. Realistically, our nation is nothing more than a speck in the big picture. We do not possess massive natural deposits of gold, be it yellow or black. Our nation’s foreign policy is relatively non-aggressive. So why should the “West” be interested in overturning our country? They suggest that the “West” envies our successes and therefore seek to dominate us. Sheer absurdity. Why should first world nations ever be envious of their third world counterparts?

Day 2 (16th April)
5.45 am – I am awake at this ungodly hour, if only to satisfy a certain warped notion of fairness. Initially, I was told to be prepared for a moral lecture at this hour. However, upon arrival at the lecture hall I was told to study some other subject. What a waste of precious sleeping time… As of last night, all of us participants were divided into groups. While I am not exactly complaining about the combination of my group, I am not exactly jumping for joy either. Perhaps this will change as the camp progresses.

Jin just complained to me about a particularly “sticky” person from his group. He described her as a sort of mold but I’m still blur about the reason for it… Maybe I’m just too tired. I slept past 2am, woke up at 5am, so you do the math.

All right, I’ll describe a little about my first night here. It was much cooler here in the dormitory during the night as compared to daytime. I can’t recall much except to say that most of the guys were memorizing the lyrics of “Wawasan 2020” for whatever so reason. And of course they proceeded to sing it… I will refrain from commenting further, lest I be accused of lacking patriotism. To display a lack of patriotism, rather in the form as demanded of by them, invites grave consequences. Anyway I chose to spent the hours prior to bedtime by lepakking with two guys I got to know today, Andrew and Sasidaran. Hmm not bad, at least I’m widening my limited social circle. :)

7.55 am – Breakfast… not bad. In fact, it was far better than I expected of camps. Before breakfast, I had to participate in a marching exercise or more commonly known around here as “kawad kaki”. Last I recall, I have not done this since primary school. For once, I was totally blur throughout the entire process. I could barely understand the commands ad my physical coordination was totally off. I have a strange feeling that this experience will not be a unique one throughout this camp. So this is how Day 2 beings… Every moment looks brighter if only because the end of the road draws closer.

10.10 pm – I’m sitting in for the 4th lecture of the day. And that is excluding the two moral lectures. I have been sitting around listening to several people drone on and on regarding the same issues for a total of 10 hours today. Despite the apparently differing topics of each individual lectures, each lecture practically resonated along the same theme. This time, the enemies of the state have been broadened to include our neighbouring states, primarily Singapore and Indonesia. And of course, for problems that we refuse to acknowledge as a consequence of our own folly, just find a scapegoat! All our problems can be blamed on the Jews, seeing that they have hardly any representation in the country to refute such claims. This anti-Semitic mantra is repeated over and over and this technique reminds me of Adolf Hitler’s “Big Lie”. Hitler pioneered this propaganda technique based on the belief that the more preposterous a lie is, the more likely it is to be believed. Simply, people would be more likely to believe an outrageous lie because they assume that no one could possibly concoct such an untruth, and therefore the information must be true. Conversely, according to this theory, people would be more hesitant to believe a “small lie”, because of the perception that small lies are comparatively simple to fabricate. Furthermore, people would be quick to detect the lie, because they themselves indulge in it on a daily basis and are therefore adept in detecting such lies. This technique was refined by Joseph Goebbels, who stated that if a lie is reiterated constantly and consistently, gradually the population would accept it as a truth even in the complete absence of evidence.

Furthermore, promoting 19th century nationalism is plainly wrong. This form of nationalism deviates from the currently accepted global idea of patriotism. This archaic form of nationalism promotes obsolete and narrow-minded thinking such as mercantilism and tribalism. Come on guys; realize that internationalism is the next step in human civilization. It is from this viewpoint that we view ourselves as global citizens and discard the “them against us” mentality. How can we pride ourselves as a peace loving nation if we chose to hate certain people? To preach hatred instantly dissolves the higher moral ground that one claims against his professed enemy.

Day 3 (17th April)

5.55 am – Yet another day of waking up early just to attend lectures. I have already allotted this Friday for sleeping, and Saturday too if need be it. Yes, I am already looking at the ending of this camp. Well, it is halfway through but I’ll admit that it isn’t half as bad as I thought, no thanks to *some* people for scaring me. Haha… The food is actually good, in fact too good for someone on a diet plan *wink wink*.

The activities are tolerable but the lectures are still a torture. I’ve made quite a few new friends. In fact some are familiar faces, only that no contact was established back then for whatever reason. The only complaint that I have is the lack of sleeping hours allocated in the schedule. An afternoon napping time would go a long way in alleviating the pervading late afternoon drowsiness. But what is camp without lack of sleep, or at least that’s what I’m told. Here’s a clip from some sleepyheads.

7.50 pm – I can’t stand another moral lecture! It gradually saps away my sanity, seriously. To ward it off, I’m blogging here under the guise of a very studious student furiously taking down notes… So let me recall the events of today…

After the pre-dawn moral lecture today, I had to run 2.2 km within a time limit of 18 minutes. And I’m proud to say that I finished it within a comfortable margin of under 11 minutes. Ben, I did it somehow although you may not believe me. ;) After breakfast, I headed into my Latihan Dalam Kumpulan (LDK) group, which are basically small groups of 10-12 people who have to undergo 8 modules, each module 2 hours long. 4 modules a day, over a couple of days equals to a lot of hours spent! Although I can’t say that I enjoyed the first few sessions, I must say that it is a relief that the political rhetoric of the past 2 days have become subdued. Who knows, this might just be the calm of the eye of a hurricane.

Anyway, back to the module sessions, I had great difficulty coping with them. It just seems that I am unable to follow the class’s train of thought. This should never have been the case, as I tend to enjoy intellectual and philosophical discussion under normal circumstances. But this was not so, as the modules were conducted in Malay, while my spoken Malay is half baked at best.

Day 4 (18th April)
6.00am – It has become routine for me to blog during the pre-dawn moral lecture despite the short duration of this camp. As of now, I can say that I’m beginning to enjoy the camp now. I find this quite ironical as I spent the weeks prior to this camp dreading it, the first few days wishing that it ended quickly, and then wishing that it was longer when the camp is about to end. But still, no matter how fun it is, my biological clock has gone haywire and only sleep can synchronize it once again. Lots and lots of sleep. Seeing that last night I stayed up ‘til 2 or so lepakking with Andrew only this time, discussing various issues.

It is only throughout this period that I wake up in the mornings without the usual burdens of daily AUSMAT living. Academic and social pressures have evaporated ever since camp started. The opportunity to reach out and make new friends proved to be a breath of fresh air. Seriously. If only this would spill over when I return to INTEC. Long has it been since I awoke without the burdens of daily life. Longer still has it been since I awoke without the fear of peer pressure and resisting the overwhelming need to conform. Perhaps this is an answer to many prayers. Perhaps it is just another tile on the road to redemption.

Experience is a tough teacher. First you get the test, and then you learn the lesson. This camp is a test, and as I ponder of it over the coming weeks, there shall be many lessons to be learnt. No regrets, just lessons. I know this only because every camp that I have attended in the past has had an impact, although a delayed one and this one will surely be no exception. Where would we be without the wisdom of hindsight…

1.50 pm – Break time… Lepak awhile in the dorm. It seems to be routine. After every meal, we gather in the dorm to exchange news or just talk. I have to say that I am quite happy with my LDK group and the facilitators. So far, they have steered clear of sensitive topics so far. I hope this continues for the remaining to sessions.

4.50pm – Exhaustion is starting to kick in. I know that I would not have been able to survive long on just a few hours of sleep over the past few days. Just another 24 hours to go.

Day 5 (19th April)
6.15 am – It is down to the last lap now… I must muster all of my remaining strength to complete the race. As of now, all that stands between me and home are an exam and a kembara trip. The last lap always seems to be the toughest, due to diminishing stamina and the growing anticipation of completing he race tends to generate an illusion of a braking effect on time itself.

Strangely I feel wide awake now despite sleeping past 2 am. I was supposed to be studying in the canteen ‘til 1.30am but it ended up as a discussion between Andrew and I. We debated, discussed and dissected the content of the books that we were supposed to be studying. That counts as studying somehow I think…

I am very satisfied with my LDK groups and the facilitators. I actually thanked them openly for taking into account our differences and not creating awkward situations which would have surely erased any respect that they earned over the past few days. I’m sure most of you guys know what I’m referring to. Not that I am against such discussions, but providing a discussion platform whereby all participants are not being evaluated and granted sufficient immunity from disciplinary action (or even worse) will lead to a more neutral and suitable ground for debate.

On the overall, things went far better than I had expected. I am quite surprised at myself for having to admit that this camp has been a pleasant experience. Lets see: decent group, fun activities, higher political awareness, and of course new friends!

--*Offline Transcription Ends*--

Conclusion:
Pardon me if you find my post above too cynical. It was never my intention to play the opposition and rebut every argument forwarded throughout the camp. Simply that I perceive the reasons given for certain issues as extremely narrow-minded and bigoted. Quite to the contrary actually, I am sympathetic towards some of the issues forwarded such as the need to preserve a nations sovereignty. For instance, I do admit that capitalism has its share of weaknesses such as allowing the exploitation of the weak (either intended or unintended) and as such, our nation must be on its guard against entities which may trample over us in the sole pursuit of profit. I also accept it that the government has a responsibility in helping the downtrodden of society, although the morality of providing aid in its current form is extremely controversial and I have no intention of stirring that hornet’s nest here.

On the other hand, I do not believe in the brand of patriotism promoted throughout the camp. In my opinion, patriotism is simply the love for one’s nation; he knows and does what is best for his country. Heck, it doesn’t involve singing the national anthem with fervour, saluting the flag or memorizing the National Principles (Rukun Negara). As far as I’m concerned, a citizen who ekes out an honest living, pays his due taxes and obeys the law is satisfactorily patriotic even if he may have never displayed any conventional outward signs associated with patriotism such as flag-waving. After all, by doing what he does, he contributes to economic and social growth of society and the nation, and that is the highest end of what patriotism has to offer. After all, is there a nobler way to express your love towards your nation other than contributing directly to its prosperity, stability and security?

From my point of view, this form of patriotism ranks closely behind the ultimate form (as held by traditional patriotism), that is laying down one’s life for his country. Well, think of it logically, if everyone died to defend the nation, who would be left to form Malaysia? Despite defeat and colonization following a war, a remnant would have survived to rebuild the nation and carry on the legacy. A time will come one day when they will rise up once more. If not that battered generation, then another following it will someday pick up the sword and stand in the place of their forefathers. History books are filled with such tales.

Hence, this is just the tip of the iceberg as to why I am opposed to this form of patriotism. In short, I find this form unacceptable as it demands a sacrifice of values of which I’m unwilling to let go. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not unpatriotic, just not in the conventional form as expected of Malaysians. As far as things have gone, I never had the intention to leave Malaysia. There is no other place that I could call home.

Here are the pics as promised!

The Lecture Hall...

Andrew and I in the lecture hall

Andrew, Sasidaran and I in our dorm

Now onto the LDK pics...

The girl on my right is Angeline :)

Melanie, Mira and I in the LDK room. Look at me crying in agony ;)

And last but not least, the Kembara trip! The terrain consisted of an oil palm estate, a wasteland and a swampy area.

Me all wet after falling into the river...

And so it begins...

2007-04-14T23:12:00.000+08:00

It is launched...

Events that are set in motion cannot now be undone. The hour has come, and gone. It is too late...

I shall be going off for a camp for 5 days.. Who knows what will happen there? I only know that survival depends on holding steadfast to my principles. If even that should waver, then it is better than I never return.

On a lighter note, I will definitely take photos there to show you guys here. :)

Farewell.

A Not So Typical Week...

2007-04-07T00:05:00.000+08:00

Well, another week has passed, and everything has come to a standstill... Not everything, but just about almost everything. I'll post up some interesting photos of the week. They may not seem so interesting now, but I'm sure they will be meaningful some day. Who knows, perhaps the hour of tribulation will come and I shall look back at these days as sunny blue-skied days.

Ok, so Monday night came along and I was supposed to spend the night studying for an Econs topic test. But I ended up distracted....

Yep, I got dragged into a game of Choh Dai Di despite barely knowing how to play the game. But I learnt quickly and even managed to pull off a few wins. Not bad eh... Heheh... :)

Me - Green, Brian - White, Clarence - Yellow, Ben - Dark Blue

Dual fingers and smile hints - "I have the dai di!" ;)
Look at the time! Its past midnight and we are gaming away...

Ok, so the rest of the week dragged on. My roommates Ben and Clarence went off for their BTN camp.. What kind of hell it is, I'll know in a fortnight. Anyway, the room was kinda boring and quiet. Jin joined me and Vincent to liven up the room a little. :) I quickly noted the difference between guys and girls during that period. I actually heard girls making statements somewhere along these lines:

"It's so nice that I have a room to myself"
"I love the privacy"
"Your apartment has an empty room? May I occupy it?"

On the other hand, the guys were lamenting about the dampened atmosphere and lack of socialising in our apartments. Strange huh...

Friday comes along, and I have to do a presentation in class. We were broken into groups and each group had to nominate someone to participate in the upcoming AUSMAT Idol. We had to draw up a complete plan including the details of the performance, showmanship and a demonstration of the real performance. Needless to say, we did settle on some unconventional ideas. Oh, my group consisted of Angeline, Iby, Aloy and me. I daresay that these guys were very sporting and make great groupmates. So here are a few pics of me...

Noticed my latest accessory? Cool huh?

Look closer.. at the pink arrows... :)

Well, I don't feel like typing out a whole long story to bore you guys. But it will suffice to say that our presentation was somewhat effeminatedly-oriented and hence that hair clip was a statement to prove our point. Haha.

Ok, that's all for tonight guys. :)

Sleep Eludes Me

2007-04-02T01:10:00.000+08:00

Its almost 2 am on Monday, the 2nd of April 2007. I should be asleep right now but I can't for some inexplicable reason. I'll blog awhile and try to shake off this bout of insomnia.

Another tattered page
is lost to the winds,
of which is written upon
a fragment of the memoirs
of a melancholic soul.

That's all I can manage for the night... Goodnight folks :)

Another Tragic Chapter Ends

2007-03-30T23:54:00.000+08:00

It is probable that I will never measure up to a particular yardstick of coolness. It is plausible that I will continue to face a volley of underhanded taunts and derision, all veiled behind the name of friendship. It is possible that I retain my mask of meekness, paint a smile daily and reinforce it with hollow peals of laughter.

Yet recent events have transpired to change my perspectives on the complex issues surrounding life. That which I cared so much about ceased to be relevant and that by which I have always placed lesser emphasis upon has been elevated in terms of priority. Likewise, I care not for cockiness and conceit of others. To express contempt towards others who lack similar endowments only invites reciprocity and retribution. If not today, surely tomorrow then when the right season comes along... However, it is not for me to strike out, as justice will be meted out by divine means or otherwise. I am a strong proponent of the belief that a fall is always preceded by pride. After all, to quote Darth Tyranus of Star Wars, "Twice the pride, double the fall". Wise words indeed from a seemingly evil character.

Thus, I am freed of my burdens which have lingered on for so long. This mental cell exists, only because I allowed it to. I falsely believed that fate had flung me into the pit, when all along I descended it with my own free will. Although the alternatives were bleak, it was a choice that I made. And it was a decision by which I must bear its consequences. Like it or not, I must deal with it or resign myself to despair. Finally, the road of sorrow by which I have trodden upon for so long now comes to an end, or so I hope. Perhaps in time I will have to stake out another often-travelled road or forge a new one in the midst of desolation. If desolation proves to be the sole alternative to a languishing societal bind, I will by all means embrace it. Nevertheless, a tragic chapter draws to an end but the end is not yet. The page turns and another chapter begins...

The Lost of Hope

2007-03-23T23:52:00.000+08:00

The lost of hope. That is a fate worst than death. For to lose something so essential is to cease living, and simply exist. Hope is the belief that our tomorrow will be a better day, another chance at improving our current station of life. Take that away, and a person will be reduced to no more than a beast, existing without purpose. Likewise, hope is the compass that keeps the ship sailing towards its destination. It is hope that gives us a purpose to live...

Anyway as promised, I must congratulate my sister over her early 21st birthday gift here. I'm sooo jealous, I want a brand new car too! Drive safely ya sis :)

A quote (thanks Ben):

When you're up, your friends know who you are
When you're down, you know who your friends are.

2007-03-17T01:58:00.000+08:00

I just have to quote Evanescence tonight...

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

Yup.. it seems to apply at this station of life.

2007-03-16T01:49:00.000+08:00

The holidays have just drifted past... Yes they slipped through my fingers in the blink of an eye. Holidays never fail to draw out an entire cornucopia of sentiments (that's a bundle of emotions for those of you who don't get it). In a way it serves as a timely respite from my hectic schedule. On the other hand it brings to memory those solitary days, days of old where the shards of bitterness still linger on... I have never found a truly satisfactory explanation, but that which we look forward to most, more often than not, turns out to be much less than desired. As I look in retrospect, my past holidays (this included) have been spent almost completely with my faithful companion, none other than my computer. To eat and sleep exclusively by a cold whirring machine is to lead a wretched existence indeed. An occasional trip out to 1Utama or The Curve does little to alleviate the situation. Truth be told, I did not choose this lonely lifestyle but rather it has been imposed on me by fate. For the want of a better expression, the reasons for my lonely holidays are largely inexplicable. It can be said that most of the factors involved have spun beyond my control and I see no apparent remedy in sight. Ok, that's enough rambling for a night. It's almost 3am. and just the right time for bed. :)

Ps. Sorry guys if this post is kinda on the bombastic side but these words are needed to convey my thoughts precisely. I have no intention to confuse or stun you guys.

2007-03-11T01:24:00.000+08:00

All right, as promised guys, I'll blog about my trip to Sunway Pyramid yesterday. It seemed more fun than usual, which I suspect is due to the fact that we were in a holiday (1 week break) mood and of course, getting over a math test! I'll tell you what is so significant about the math test.. the fact that most students, if not all were so worked up by it that everyone was doing and thinking of math 24/7 throughout the week. And that's not to mention the disastrous specialist math quiz on Thursday and several assignments piled up. The quiz was not, I stress, not, easy, Ben. :) . So the trip was a much needed break to unwind from a hectic week.

Well, apparently many AUSMAT students were in Sunway Pyramid although I didn't spot most of them who were supposedly there. So, the first thing we did there was to eat dinner. There was the usual period of indecisiveness on choosing a restaurant to dine in. Finally, we settled on a Hong Kong restaurant called KimGary (Not sure about it's more prominent Chinese name... I'm banana le :D) . I tried some cheese baked rice with pork which was quite good. Here are pics of us :

Oops.. Not such a great shot.

That's better. Clockwise starting with Leon (guy on the lower left corner in purple) , Benjamin, Clarence, Weijun, Jeremy(Smile la.. look so serious oni :) ) and me.

We spent quite a while lepakking around there because the bowling alley was totally booked. Ended up watching some skating competition in the ice skating rink. The most entertaining part was probably laughing at the contestants mess up their performances. So bad huh... Besides that, we went into "I Need House" as we were passing by. Call it an "coming-of-age initiation ritual" or whatever you want, but this supposedly controversial shop proved to be (disappointingly) normal, selling mostly key chains and similar trinkets. I seriously think that that franchise has been grossly overrated and hyped up.

We barely grabbed the last tickets for the movie "300". In spite of all the blood and gore, I found the narrative movie intriguing. The movie revolves around a small band of Spartans who were resisting a massive invading Persian army. I would have thought the story as purely fictional, but the fact that such a historical battle occurred makes the story somewhat plausible. However, as with typical Hollywood airbrushing, the Spartans are portrayed as noble knights while the Persians as moronic arrogant villains. It spins an inspiring tale of courage and valour despite the overwhelming odds. I'll end my comments here on the movie to avoid spoiling it for those who have yet to watch it.

One particularly *interesting* incident at the IT section went somewhere along this line :

Clarence : Leon, Leon look at this! *pointing at a Logitech Presenter*

Leon : What? Vibrator ah?!

*Rest of us burst out laughing*

A salesman, witnessing the whole thing, approached us probably thinking of us as idiotic teenagers.

Salesman : Anything else that you want?

*We declined politely and quickly left*

Lame huh... :D

But it was plenty of fun. I sure am looking forward to more of such outings together :D. Don't you guys agree?

2007-03-10T18:45:00.000+08:00

I just got tagged by Jin. I don't know who actually has the time to create such dumb questionnaires but I suspect it must be some emo dude who was trying to pry into the lives of his/her friends. Hence the personal questions. Anyway, here goes :

LAYER 1: ON THE OUTSIDE
Name: Joel (Real World) / Subatomic Disruption (Online)
Birth Date: 3rd October '88
Current Status: Semi-conscious due to lack of sleep
Eye Colour: Dark brown
Hair Colour: Natural black.
Righty or Lefty: Righty.. like most people

LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE
My Heritage: Yellow outside, white inside. You got it, a banana :P
My Fears: Hmm... if I say it people might use it against me :)
My Weaknesses: Introvert - A blessing sometimes though :)
My Perfect Pizza: Pepperoni Pizza

LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW
My First Thoughts Waking Up: I want more sleep :)
My Bedtime: I hope tomorrow will be a better day
My Most Missed Memory: Wat missed memory?

LAYER 4: MY PICK
Pepsi or Coke: Neither, soft drinks kill!
McDonald's or Burger King: McDs - Not familiar with Burger King
Single or Group Dates: What's a group date? *blur*
Adidas or Nike: Neither, I don't like their designs.
Tea or Nestea: Tea
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Neither

LAYER 5: DO YOU...
Smoke: No, I'm a good boy
Curse: No, I'm a good boy
Take a Shower: No, I don't bathe ;)
Have a Crush: What's a crush?
Go To School: Wish I did.. instead of some freaky college
Want To Get Married: Not at this current station
Believe In Yourself: Maybe
Think Your A Health Freak: Yea, according to my friends. I don't drink tap water :P

LAYER 6: IN THE PAST
Drank Alcohol: No, I'm a good boy
Gone To The Mall: Huh.. A mall or THE Mall? What is the mall anyway?
Been On Stage: Yea...
Eaten sushi : Yea. But I wouldn't say it is the best food in the world
Dyed Your Hair: Would like to sometime in the future out of curiosity

LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER...
Played A Stripping Game: I don't have the body for it laar :P
Changed Who You Were To Fit In: No, I refuse to conform and be someone that I'm not.

LAYER 8: AGE YOU'RE HOPING...
To Be Married: Erm. I haven't looked so far into the future.

LAYER 9: IN A GIRL
Best Eye Colour: Any colour.
Best Hair Colour : Any colour as long as don't look lala.
Short Hair or Long Hair: Long

LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING...
A Minute Ago: Told by Jin that I was tagged
Hour Ago: Dozing off
4.5 Hours Ago: Eating lunch
1 Month Ago: Can't remember

LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCES...
I love: my w810 :)
I feel: super sleepy
I hate: kiasu-ism. A major source of misery in my school days.
I hide: plenty. No, you can't squeeze anything out of me. :)
I miss: my school friends. Ok, you got me. Just a very few of them anyway.
I need: to sleep.

LAYER 12: TAG 4 PEOPLE
None of you guys maintain a blog... Only Ben has a blog... I'm guessing he's been tagged already but it doesn't matter. So yea, Ben you're tagged :)

2007-03-10T01:59:00.000+08:00

Just got back from a better than usual outing with a bunch of guys. That's another story which I'll post up tomorrow. Trust me, its that unusual to merit a post of its own. :)

I'll refrain from my usual ranting. No, I don't want it to be my trademark. I'll post up some food for thought tonight. Ok, here it goes:

For years I've been pondering ethics and its relations in our daily lives. My recent studies in Philosophy and Theology classes have not only reignited this internal debate, but intensified it. In essence, it can be summed up with a deceptively simple question ; Why do I do good? After much deliberation and exploration of new and existing theories, this is a non-exhaustive list that I've drawn up :

1. Altruistic Egoism - Help others and be nice so that they are indebted to you. Hence, they will be obliged to return the favor eventually. Utilized to forge critical social ties.
2. Cultural Shaping - Societal norms require that we conform to aiding one another. The unwritten laws of certain societies promote good works as the ultimate virtue.
3. Inherent Trait - "Some people are born that way". A commonly heard phrase which denotes that goodness is hardwired into individuals, albeit the (apparent) unequal distribution among humans. Doing good comes as second, if not first nature to such individuals.
4. Uncaused Goodness - I am good because it is good to be good. Viewing the act of doing good as an obligation regardless if it provides any foreseeable rewards or not.

Following much soul searching, I feel that such philosophical dissections and analysing its decomposition are dehumanising. Which is not unlike taking love and scrutinising its physiological process. For instance, it is like saying that that person who has a crush on you is only undergoing a physiological process which involves changes the endoctrinal and nervous system. Kills the fun in it, despite the ringing truth, doesn't it? Likewise, I have decided not to pursue my initial question further from this particular philosophical aspect. I do not want the cold unfeeling heart of a stereotype scientist. It is such mysteries that bestow abstraction and beauty to life.

However, that is not to say that my question goes unanswered. On the contrary, I came across the answer one day recently, which put my questions to rest. As a Christian, I have come to the conclusion that I (should) do good because I (should) have God's love overflowing out of me.
It was God that reached out to us first, as indicated in John 3:16 - "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." I have come to the realization that it is from this love stems all good, further evidenced by Paul in 1 Corinthians 13.

"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned,but have not love, it profits me nothing. Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away. When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Henceforth, from a Christian's perspective we do good out of love. Love for God, love for humankind and not for any other reason. I don't know why I never realized this so long ago. Forgive me, Lord.

:)

2007-03-04T00:34:00.000+08:00

I took several photos over the past week, and here they are. As the cliche goes, a picture is worth a thousand words. But not in this case though, the captions will probably provide a more meaningful story. Here goes :

It's a mosquito, if you didn't realize it. And its drowning in correction fluid aka liquid paper. Basically, class was just a little bit too dull and I had to look for any means to avoid sleeping. Or fishing, in Jin's words. So I decided to hunt down some of those pests flying around. For some odd reason my class is infested with mosquitoes. Anyway, all I did was stunned a mosquito and quickly covered it in a pool of correction fluid. Watching it writhe in the fluid was kinda fascinating. Don't blame me, the class was getting too boring. And I'm not pointing fingers at anyone.

Ok, this is a pic of me and my two friends, Benjamin and Clarence at McDonalds. We had a great time studying there. More like "studying", our unique style. Criticizing a certain subject's notes is not exactly my idea of fun, but its better than memorizing it blindly. You can't imagine the prejudice and bigotry contained within. For example, I do not particularly consider wearing certain extra garments or abstaining from certain types of food as universal moral values, as stated explicitly by that subject. I've edited out the date and time of this picture because it contains *potentially* incriminating evidence. All I'll say about the circumstances is that we were supposed to be elsewhere but we were not. :) At least we were not alone there as other INTEC students were there. Hung around there for quite a few hours.

Ps. I couldn't care less about listening to retards who suffer from leg-hair envy. Call it your belief s, its fine as long as you don't impose it on me. To hell with such trashy thinking.

Goodnite guys :)

2007-03-02T23:01:00.000+08:00

Hi guys, be prepared for another emo post here tonight. Love it or leave it man :).

The past months or so has been a foretaste of hell. Basically to be caught in a delicate social situation for months at a stretch where there is no satisfactory solution to be found, can be quite a misery to put it mildly. Furthermore, to stand and be judged daily for not adhering to an imagined standard of idealism is outrageous. While practicing such philosophies is fine (I honestly do not care about your beliefs or principles of life), imposing it on others by means of cynicism and judgmentalism exhibits an egoistical complex. Yes, I sense the subtle mockery and concealed smirks each time but I prefer to feign ignorance. I see the knowing half smiles and hear the masked sarcasm. I don't know exactly why I choose to endure this shit stoically, but I feel that there is no satisfactory solution in this problem, at least none that I can put into effect myself. I don't know how much longer will I endure this or if it will come to an end within the short term. Why must I suffer so in silence? Perhaps this is a penance for my past...

2007-02-17T22:49:00.000+08:00

The new year is just around the corner. That's if you are a Chinese. It's not just any typical year, but the year of the pig. Hmm.. that shouldn't mean anything, but then again it might just be precisely that. :)

Sadly, this is the first year I'm celebrating the New Year without fireworks. Yes, I'm grouchy without crackers, especially that I've been playing with them every year since I was a really small kid. I searched everywhere but it seems to be totally unavailable around. I don't know the exact reason why my usual suppliers are not around, but I can guess why. Let's see... First I'll find someone to blame, seeing that its part of our nature to do so. :) In my opinion, this lack of sales is because of "them". "Them" who are retarded enough to make their own fireworks only to get it blown back into their faces. Serves them right, for getting us all involved in their own problem. And then also another "them" who choose to enact a ban that blankets most fireworks because of the earlier retarded "them". Get it? I mean, because "they" are dumb enough to injure themselves, we are forced to forsake our cultural traditions? That's ridiculous isn't it? That's reality anyway, we live in a ridiculous world.

So, that's all for now. Chinese New Year will be just a dash less merrier, but on the overall none for the worse. :)

Anyway, Happy Chinese New Year. Gong Xi Fa Cai & Xin Nian Kuai Le!!

2007-02-05T00:06:00.000+08:00

Superficiality and friendship. That is the theme of the night. Another word for that would be shallowness or on-the-surface for those of you who might be frantically flipping through your dictionaries. Nah, just joking. :)

Recent events involving different groups of people have led me to the realization that despite knowing people for years, I still don't know them. Yea, its ironical that despite knowing someone for 5, or even 6 or 7 years yet I know next to nothing about that person. No, I'm not referring to those people whom you go "hi" and "bye" whenever you bump into them and that constitutes 90% of the conversation you have with them. I'm referring to those people whom you hang out with on a regular basis.

One minor example that happened a year or two before of what I'm talking about is a friend whom I have known for several years and would even consider among my inner circle. How surprising it was to find out that throughout all these years this particular friend had a relationship and eventually broke off and he drifted off into depression. All these happened right under my nose without me getting a whiff of it. Eventually I found out about it through a third party. Til this day, I bear the pretense that I am totally unaware of the whole affair. He does not know that I am aware about his previous relationship and the following incidents. I did try to probe however but I ended up rebuffed. So much for being friends and regular lepakking. Please don't ask me who it is because I'm not saying who. I won't play guessing games either. :)

Through several other experiences I've learnt that time does not necessarily strengthen a friendship. I've found knives in my back bearing the names of those I've considered as friends for a long time. Apparently not. How painful it has been time and time again to see a friend rejoice over my misfortune. How painful it has been time and time again to realize a friend scheming against me. How painful it has been to be the object of hate. Through it all I've learnt bitterness and to be distrustful of people in general. Sorry, my friends if I seem cold or distant at times. Sorry for the things which I cannot or will not do. These are the scars of wounds that have not healed.

This is a poem written last year. It has a macabre touch but its actually part of a series that carries a deeper meaning.

Exile - Part II
15th December 2006

O Horror,
does it pleasure you
to hear my agonized screams?
Never mind that it was forbidden,
the fruit of death has never been sweeter.
As the truth dawned like a failed star
on a death saturated wastelands,
I savoured every illicit morsel
until I saw it
for what it truly was.
I saw you in the eye.

O Despair,
that you would mock at the stains
that linger on my hands.
Laugh at me gleefully
as I scrape my fingers bloody
in vain.

O Fear,
that you would jeer
as I draw my wounds.
Your silent voice
torments my soul
as you leech me of my sanity.
You claw at my bleeding heart,
taunting me of impending judgement.

O Shame,
how could you rub my raw wounds?
Accursed I am now,
to wander to the ends of the earth,
scarred and desolate
forever reminded of my sins.
Only to have you as my companion
til my grave and beyond.

2007-01-02T23:57:00.000+08:00

Scarlet Moonlight
31st December 2006

A rose so red
stands so fragile
alone in the green tide.
There her tears cascade,
and the rose glistens
under silvery moonbeams.
Every drop that stains the flower
melts white crystals of frost.

As she kneels by a lake,
ripples break out in discord
shattering the face on it.
Even the winds are reminding her
of her lonely fate.
Clutching the flower
tightly to her chest,
dreams once so faint
have altogether faded.

Behind that pale pink smile
lies a scarlet sea
of pain unpainted.
On those glassy eyes
run a stream of yesterday's tears
flowing over a riverbed
of shattered hearts.

Why does the river of life
twist in such a convoluted manner?
On every red petal that drifts
from her hand into the wind
is carved yet another chapter
of an untold tragedy.
Where the crimson flower falls,
there sorrow will take root.

I crafted this poem in one of my moments of boredom. With the internet so badly disrupted, I can only post it up now. By the way, I just so love emo songs.. how nice if someone could write this poem of mine into one... :)

2006-12-13T00:27:00.000+08:00

Blogging here from our neighboring country south of us, Singapore. :P

I'm here on a short holiday with my family from Monday til Wednesday. Tonight, I'll be breaking from convention and instead of a typical philosophical post, I'll be posting chronological holiday details and more importantly, photos! :) Despite arriving here yesterday (Monday) , I really went to tour Singapore today. I'm currently staying in a Malaysian Government House, a "not-too-bad" bungalow. :S

An interesting point of the trip would be the fact that I met up with an online friend for the first time, Ray Chin, along with his girlfriend Christine today. There was plenty to catch up on. :)

We went around the City Hall region which was quite impressive, with its range of shopping centers available. If only I had a lot of money to shop... Haha.

After some shopping and sightseeing, we went to play pool. And I still suck in it. Watudo? Thanks Ray for the tips and pointers! :0 All in all, I spent about 8 hours walking today and ended up utterly exhausted. So much for a holiday. Bleh.

And if you are reading this Ray, you were a great host and thanks again. I enjoyed myself. Really :)

All right... Later on, I joined my family at the famed Orchard Road and since Christmas is just around the corner, its grandly decorated. The streets were bustling despite being a weekday! Probably the Christmas bug working overtime. There were plenty of buskers lurking around the place, including some Native American aka Red Indian performers. A bit lame, if you ask me.

Orchard Road and its splendor

Me and sis outside Takashimaya, Orchard Road

The story of Nativity, depicted using mannequins. I thought that the photo of the odd-looking sheep is worth posting here. Don't ask me why.

After so many hours of shopping throughout this trip, all I have to show for it are 2 measly purchases :
1. A trilogy series
2. A 2 GB MSPD for my beloved handphone :P

To wrap it up, metropolitan Singapore is a cool place to be. I wouldn't mind living there :)

That's all for tonight. Goodnight folks.

2006-12-08T23:38:00.000+08:00

A long awaited update (yea right...). I've so much to write, but I can't get them all out at one time.

So much time has passed since I've really updated this blog. That doesn't mean that I'm about to abandon it though. Life goes it, but what does it really mean if we let it slip through our fingers without noting down significant events in our lives? The marking of the passage of time is, more importantly, a heritage that we leave behind. Individually, we may only etch no more than a scratch in the infinite web of time, yet collectively they form the colourful strands that weave together to form our kaleidoscopic history. Yes, the diversity that defines humanity is the apex of our strength, but paradoxically, is the nadir of our nature. In essence, our ethics that proudly stand today may very well be tomorrows depraved morality. Multiculturalism is often espoused as the antidote to societal woes but this pluralism may very well be the cause of our fall. History has shown again and again that humankind has never been tolerant of other species, much less within its own kind. Perhaps the trait of selfishness has been hardwired into our genes throughout the millenia of scrambling for survival. Altruism, for what its worth, is done to increase the chances of survival.

2006-10-26T02:18:00.000+08:00

Just a prose written out of sheer boredom. Ignore this post and skip to the previous post if you are not interested. Comments appreciated. :)

Prologue

A meaningless coincidence of chance or a date with karma-stained destiny? He thought as he swatted at the ants frantically scurrying around his ankles.

Do their sisters weep at the scent of their doom? Surely they feel a twinge, if not a gush of sorrow and forlorness as they hoist their fallen comrade to an unknown burial ground. Yes, that is exactly what is deserved, even for a mindless critter. Silent words of anger mingled with bitter satisfaction lingered in his mind as he killed them with an imagined vengeance. It rekindled a familiar throbbing sensation deep within cardiac echelons where no man dare tread.

“Matt!”

He swung his head around sharply, and snapped back into reality. All that beckoned him was a sea of gray tombstones. There was no one else in sight. Yet another fragment of my torments. Sitting amidst drought-stricken wilted grass between the graves of his wife and daughter, the cherubim planted on each tomb gazed at him with an almost demonic intensity, accentuated by the failing twilight.

The clear skies were stained an anemic pink, casting a tint of surrealism over the necropolis. He stared into the horizon, taking in the pale sunset without emotions. Feelings were something of the past that now seemed so alien. His memories of love, passion and joy all seemed to belong to someone else, not someone touched by the hand of Mortis. No, not even fury or grief. Tears have dried up long before the embers of his life faded.

All of a sudden, his incohesive vortex of thoughts was disrupted by a subtle movement. A flicker in one cherub’s gem-like eyes caused him to shudder.

An emissary of death taunts me. He mused to himself, realising the shadow of a passing vulture caused the momentary flicker.

He glanced around and saw the vulture tearing at a dark mass a few feet away, possibly a dog carcass.

When will my time come? He reflected within as he watched the vulture in morbid fascination. Gradually, he was absorbed by the scene as his confused thoughts drifted and swirled into a hurricane…

2006-09-22T21:48:00.000+08:00

Pardon my hiatus... been having a pretty baaad week. I think I've lived on the tangents of hell for a few days. I don't want to get all whiny here so I'll just give a summary. Basically, I suffered from a bad toothache for days before I had time to go to the dentist. Which goes to say that I had to down quite a few painkillers to survive through exams and debates. Yes, debates too.. that's a crappy subject and I honestly think its not worth my while thinking or discussing about it. Exams and quizzes... sucks. But its just part of life. And with my parents in the USA since last friday, that means travelling 50km daily from home to college so that my sis won't be alone at home.
I feel drained. :( I really need to recover over this weekend.

2006-09-01T19:39:00.000+08:00

Many months have passed... yet the afterglow of notoriety has yet to fade. To have one's reputation preceding his presense is not an honour. Quite the contrary actually, it is a curse. To be the object of awe is to be subjected to jealousy. To gain respect is to earn hatred. What a forlorn and forsaken path to tread.

Yet, despite all that, I think I am where I should be. In asnwering a tough but simple question I was posed a few days ago, "Are you happy where you are?". In a moment, I reflected where I am standing in life. I have so much to balance out, between assignments/studying and lepakking, between true friendships and moral obligations, between college and family, etc... The list has no end. However, on this rare occasion I refused to rationalize an intellectual answer. Following the silent voice within, I gave an emphatic yes.

2006-08-26T23:58:00.000+08:00

Mornie utúlië (translation : darkness has come)

That is how I feel tonight. Life brings you through the dark caverns every now and then. Mine is to walk through this lonely highway ahead. The old school days of friends were so much fun... It should be a faded memory by now, yet it still lingers on. Perhaps my subconscious still clings to it, as a faint reminder of the good days of old as a result of the hellfire I go through now. I've bid my farewells of old countless times, yet I've never made peace with it. It's like an old wound that never perfectly healed. Realities are harsher than what we would like to think. Attempts to build bridges have come to failure. I prefer to think that I do not know why, rather than accept the bitter truth. Yes, that is living in denial but it's something that makes life a little more bearable. Maybe, just maybe I'll be permanently doomed for the dark lonely road for years to come. Yet there is still hope not lost... there are bridges under construction and bridges which are to come. And for those of you who *might* get the wrong idea, I'm not talking about a girlfriend. I'm just talking about finding sincere and genuine friends, a real rarity nowadays. Many of them are just out there to leech of you, while others are friends for the sake of civility.

And last, but not least, this is a tribute to those of my past :

We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun
But the wine and the song like the seasons have all gone
We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun
But the wine and the song like the seasons have all gone

2006-08-20T21:04:00.000+08:00

Change is effected
through the sands of time...
Transmuting from one to another
Its essence remains intact.

One could call it evolution, another stage in the ladder of progress. Or you could just call it a change of blog. I prefer the latter. It's simplistic in nature without losing too much of its intended meaning. Henceforth, this will define the new style that begins here today and I have adapted my style of writing due to feedback from the masses. Namely, all save a few could actually comprehend what I was saying in my previous blog and I have decided that a change of blog calls for a change of layout and of course, writing style. After much complains from the masses, a change of style is very much in need… perhaps my writing before this lacked in warmth and emotions (I must apologize to my readers for that), I am currently working on it. If you are a new reader and are totally BLUR by what you are reading, just click this link and you can see what I am talking about.

So, my theme for this new blog is “Elegance not grandiloquence”.

The holidays have just begun. I should be happy and relaxed, yet I am not. I can’t pinpoint any specific reason for it and that puzzles me. Perhaps it could be the nagging pile of homework that I’ve yet to touch. It could be a lecturer who loves to “strongly encourage” me (I’ll refrain from saying anymore lest I get screwed if the person hears of it). It could also be due to social factors, which I rather not discuss here ;-). I’ll probably find the answer to that question in a few days.

Besides that, life probably looks bleak as a result of the kiasu syndrome. Studying conflicts with my laid back nature, despite what people think. Hence, being surrounded by people studying all the time does not make me feel at ease. Not at all, actually. I think this break is a good get away from the way of life at INTEC UiTM, which is one aspect I’ve yet to conform to. Life rocked so much in the days of lepakking at 1U or hanging out with friends after school. You just don’t appreciate the good you had til you lose it. Sad to say, that is the reality of life that we must come to terms with. Blind pessimism or optimism is foolish.

Looking at the brighter side of things, life isn’t all gloom and doom. I discovered hostel life isn’t the nightmare I supposed it to be, although there is a lot of room for improvement. Hostel life does allow you to make many new friends and brings you closer to those you have in college. In my opinion, that is probably the strongest reason for being happy in INTEC. Lepakking around until late hours is cool (on par with hanging out at 1U or Midvalley)… don’t knock it til you try it. Warning : The price of doing so is going around like a zombie the next day :-). Seeing that your friends in college are practically your family since they are around both during college and non-college hours, you got to be a total hermit not to have any friends.

That’s all the crap I can cough up for this new blog for now.