I just have to quote Evanescence tonight...

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

Yup.. it seems to apply at this station of life.

The holidays have just drifted past... Yes they slipped through my fingers in the blink of an eye. Holidays never fail to draw out an entire cornucopia of sentiments (that's a bundle of emotions for those of you who don't get it). In a way it serves as a timely respite from my hectic schedule. On the other hand it brings to memory those solitary days, days of old where the shards of bitterness still linger on... I have never found a truly satisfactory explanation, but that which we look forward to most, more often than not, turns out to be much less than desired. As I look in retrospect, my past holidays (this included) have been spent almost completely with my faithful companion, none other than my computer. To eat and sleep exclusively by a cold whirring machine is to lead a wretched existence indeed. An occasional trip out to 1Utama or The Curve does little to alleviate the situation. Truth be told, I did not choose this lonely lifestyle but rather it has been imposed on me by fate. For the want of a better expression, the reasons for my lonely holidays are largely inexplicable. It can be said that most of the factors involved have spun beyond my control and I see no apparent remedy in sight. Ok, that's enough rambling for a night. It's almost 3am. and just the right time for bed. :)

Ps. Sorry guys if this post is kinda on the bombastic side but these words are needed to convey my thoughts precisely. I have no intention to confuse or stun you guys.

All right, as promised guys, I'll blog about my trip to Sunway Pyramid yesterday. It seemed more fun than usual, which I suspect is due to the fact that we were in a holiday (1 week break) mood and of course, getting over a math test! I'll tell you what is so significant about the math test.. the fact that most students, if not all were so worked up by it that everyone was doing and thinking of math 24/7 throughout the week. And that's not to mention the disastrous specialist math quiz on Thursday and several assignments piled up. The quiz was not, I stress, not, easy, Ben. :) . So the trip was a much needed break to unwind from a hectic week.

Well, apparently many AUSMAT students were in Sunway Pyramid although I didn't spot most of them who were supposedly there. So, the first thing we did there was to eat dinner. There was the usual period of indecisiveness on choosing a restaurant to dine in. Finally, we settled on a Hong Kong restaurant called KimGary (Not sure about it's more prominent Chinese name... I'm banana le :D) . I tried some cheese baked rice with pork which was quite good. Here are pics of us :

Oops.. Not such a great shot.

That's better. Clockwise starting with Leon (guy on the lower left corner in purple) , Benjamin, Clarence, Weijun, Jeremy(Smile la.. look so serious oni :) ) and me.

We spent quite a while lepakking around there because the bowling alley was totally booked. Ended up watching some skating competition in the ice skating rink. The most entertaining part was probably laughing at the contestants mess up their performances. So bad huh... Besides that, we went into "I Need House" as we were passing by. Call it an "coming-of-age initiation ritual" or whatever you want, but this supposedly controversial shop proved to be (disappointingly) normal, selling mostly key chains and similar trinkets. I seriously think that that franchise has been grossly overrated and hyped up.

We barely grabbed the last tickets for the movie "300". In spite of all the blood and gore, I found the narrative movie intriguing. The movie revolves around a small band of Spartans who were resisting a massive invading Persian army. I would have thought the story as purely fictional, but the fact that such a historical battle occurred makes the story somewhat plausible. However, as with typical Hollywood airbrushing, the Spartans are portrayed as noble knights while the Persians as moronic arrogant villains. It spins an inspiring tale of courage and valour despite the overwhelming odds. I'll end my comments here on the movie to avoid spoiling it for those who have yet to watch it.

One particularly *interesting* incident at the IT section went somewhere along this line :

Clarence : Leon, Leon look at this! *pointing at a Logitech Presenter*


Leon : What? Vibrator ah?!

*Rest of us burst out laughing*

A salesman, witnessing the whole thing, approached us probably thinking of us as idiotic teenagers.

Salesman : Anything else that you want?

*We declined politely and quickly left*

Lame huh... :D

But it was plenty of fun. I sure am looking forward to more of such outings together :D. Don't you guys agree?

I just got tagged by Jin. I don't know who actually has the time to create such dumb questionnaires but I suspect it must be some emo dude who was trying to pry into the lives of his/her friends. Hence the personal questions. Anyway, here goes :

LAYER 1: ON THE OUTSIDE
Name: Joel (Real World) / Subatomic Disruption (Online)
Birth Date: 3rd October '88
Current Status: Semi-conscious due to lack of sleep
Eye Colour: Dark brown
Hair Colour: Natural black.
Righty or Lefty: Righty.. like most people


LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE
My Heritage: Yellow outside, white inside. You got it, a banana :P
My Fears: Hmm... if I say it people might use it against me :)
My Weaknesses: Introvert - A blessing sometimes though :)
My Perfect Pizza: Pepperoni Pizza


LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW
My First Thoughts Waking Up: I want more sleep :)
My Bedtime: I hope tomorrow will be a better day
My Most Missed Memory: Wat missed memory?


LAYER 4: MY PICK
Pepsi or Coke: Neither, soft drinks kill!
McDonald's or Burger King: McDs - Not familiar with Burger King
Single or Group Dates: What's a group date? *blur*
Adidas or Nike: Neither, I don't like their designs.
Tea or Nestea: Tea
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Neither


LAYER 5: DO YOU...
Smoke: No, I'm a good boy
Curse: No, I'm a good boy
Take a Shower: No, I don't bathe ;)
Have a Crush: What's a crush?
Go To School: Wish I did.. instead of some freaky college
Want To Get Married: Not at this current station
Believe In Yourself: Maybe
Think Your A Health Freak: Yea, according to my friends. I don't drink tap water :P


LAYER 6: IN THE PAST
Drank Alcohol: No, I'm a good boy
Gone To The Mall: Huh.. A mall or THE Mall? What is the mall anyway?
Been On Stage: Yea...
Eaten sushi : Yea. But I wouldn't say it is the best food in the world
Dyed Your Hair: Would like to sometime in the future out of curiosity


LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER...
Played A Stripping Game: I don't have the body for it laar :P
Changed Who You Were To Fit In: No, I refuse to conform and be someone that I'm not.


LAYER 8: AGE YOU'RE HOPING...
To Be Married: Erm. I haven't looked so far into the future.


LAYER 9: IN A GIRL
Best Eye Colour: Any colour.
Best Hair Colour : Any colour as long as don't look lala.
Short Hair or Long Hair: Long


LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING...
A Minute Ago: Told by Jin that I was tagged
Hour Ago: Dozing off
4.5 Hours Ago: Eating lunch
1 Month Ago: Can't remember


LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCES...
I love: my w810 :)
I feel: super sleepy
I hate: kiasu-ism. A major source of misery in my school days.
I hide: plenty. No, you can't squeeze anything out of me. :)
I miss: my school friends. Ok, you got me. Just a very few of them anyway.
I need: to sleep.


LAYER 12: TAG 4 PEOPLE
None of you guys maintain a blog... Only Ben has a blog... I'm guessing he's been tagged already but it doesn't matter. So yea, Ben you're tagged :)

Just got back from a better than usual outing with a bunch of guys. That's another story which I'll post up tomorrow. Trust me, its that unusual to merit a post of its own. :)

I'll refrain from my usual ranting. No, I don't want it to be my trademark. I'll post up some food for thought tonight. Ok, here it goes:

For years I've been pondering ethics and its relations in our daily lives. My recent studies in Philosophy and Theology classes have not only reignited this internal debate, but intensified it. In essence, it can be summed up with a deceptively simple question ; Why do I do good? After much deliberation and exploration of new and existing theories, this is a non-exhaustive list that I've drawn up :

1. Altruistic Egoism - Help others and be nice so that they are indebted to you. Hence, they will be obliged to return the favor eventually. Utilized to forge critical social ties.
2. Cultural Shaping - Societal norms require that we conform to aiding one another. The unwritten laws of certain societies promote good works as the ultimate virtue.
3. Inherent Trait - "Some people are born that way". A commonly heard phrase which denotes that goodness is hardwired into individuals, albeit the (apparent) unequal distribution among humans. Doing good comes as second, if not first nature to such individuals.
4. Uncaused Goodness - I am good because it is good to be good. Viewing the act of doing good as an obligation regardless if it provides any foreseeable rewards or not.

Following much soul searching, I feel that such philosophical dissections and analysing its decomposition are dehumanising. Which is not unlike taking love and scrutinising its physiological process. For instance, it is like saying that that person who has a crush on you is only undergoing a physiological process which involves changes the endoctrinal and nervous system. Kills the fun in it, despite the ringing truth, doesn't it? Likewise, I have decided not to pursue my initial question further from this particular philosophical aspect. I do not want the cold unfeeling heart of a stereotype scientist. It is such mysteries that bestow abstraction and beauty to life.

However, that is not to say that my question goes unanswered. On the contrary, I came across the answer one day recently, which put my questions to rest. As a Christian, I have come to the conclusion that I (should) do good because I (should) have God's love overflowing out of me.
It was God that reached out to us first, as indicated in John 3:16 - "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." I have come to the realization that it is from this love stems all good, further evidenced by Paul in 1 Corinthians 13.

"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned,but have not love, it profits me nothing. Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away. When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Henceforth, from a Christian's perspective we do good out of love. Love for God, love for humankind and not for any other reason. I don't know why I never realized this so long ago. Forgive me, Lord.

:)

I took several photos over the past week, and here they are. As the cliche goes, a picture is worth a thousand words. But not in this case though, the captions will probably provide a more meaningful story. Here goes :















It's a mosquito, if you didn't realize it. And its drowning in correction fluid aka liquid paper. Basically, class was just a little bit too dull and I had to look for any means to avoid sleeping. Or fishing, in Jin's words. So I decided to hunt down some of those pests flying around. For some odd reason my class is infested with mosquitoes. Anyway, all I did was stunned a mosquito and quickly covered it in a pool of correction fluid. Watching it writhe in the fluid was kinda fascinating. Don't blame me, the class was getting too boring. And I'm not pointing fingers at anyone.

Ok, this is a pic of me and my two friends, Benjamin and Clarence at McDonalds. We had a great time studying there. More like "studying", our unique style. Criticizing a certain subject's notes is not exactly my idea of fun, but its better than memorizing it blindly. You can't imagine the prejudice and bigotry contained within. For example, I do not particularly consider wearing certain extra garments or abstaining from certain types of food as universal moral values, as stated explicitly by that subject. I've edited out the date and time of this picture because it contains *potentially* incriminating evidence. All I'll say about the circumstances is that we were supposed to be elsewhere but we were not. :) At least we were not alone there as other INTEC students were there. Hung around there for quite a few hours.

Ps. I couldn't care less about listening to retards who suffer from leg-hair envy. Call it your belief s, its fine as long as you don't impose it on me. To hell with such trashy thinking.

Goodnite guys :)

Hi guys, be prepared for another emo post here tonight. Love it or leave it man :).

The past months or so has been a foretaste of hell. Basically to be caught in a delicate social situation for months at a stretch where there is no satisfactory solution to be found, can be quite a misery to put it mildly. Furthermore, to stand and be judged daily for not adhering to an imagined standard of idealism is outrageous. While practicing such philosophies is fine (I honestly do not care about your beliefs or principles of life), imposing it on others by means of cynicism and judgmentalism exhibits an egoistical complex. Yes, I sense the subtle mockery and concealed smirks each time but I prefer to feign ignorance. I see the knowing half smiles and hear the masked sarcasm. I don't know exactly why I choose to endure this shit stoically, but I feel that there is no satisfactory solution in this problem, at least none that I can put into effect myself. I don't know how much longer will I endure this or if it will come to an end within the short term. Why must I suffer so in silence? Perhaps this is a penance for my past...

The new year is just around the corner. That's if you are a Chinese. It's not just any typical year, but the year of the pig. Hmm.. that shouldn't mean anything, but then again it might just be precisely that. :)

Sadly, this is the first year I'm celebrating the New Year without fireworks. Yes, I'm grouchy without crackers, especially that I've been playing with them every year since I was a really small kid. I searched everywhere but it seems to be totally unavailable around. I don't know the exact reason why my usual suppliers are not around, but I can guess why. Let's see... First I'll find someone to blame, seeing that its part of our nature to do so. :) In my opinion, this lack of sales is because of "them". "Them" who are retarded enough to make their own fireworks only to get it blown back into their faces. Serves them right, for getting us all involved in their own problem. And then also another "them" who choose to enact a ban that blankets most fireworks because of the earlier retarded "them". Get it? I mean, because "they" are dumb enough to injure themselves, we are forced to forsake our cultural traditions? That's ridiculous isn't it? That's reality anyway, we live in a ridiculous world.

So, that's all for now. Chinese New Year will be just a dash less merrier, but on the overall none for the worse. :)

Anyway, Happy Chinese New Year. Gong Xi Fa Cai & Xin Nian Kuai Le!!

Superficiality and friendship. That is the theme of the night. Another word for that would be shallowness or on-the-surface for those of you who might be frantically flipping through your dictionaries. Nah, just joking. :)

Recent events involving different groups of people have led me to the realization that despite knowing people for years, I still don't know them. Yea, its ironical that despite knowing someone for 5, or even 6 or 7 years yet I know next to nothing about that person. No, I'm not referring to those people whom you go "hi" and "bye" whenever you bump into them and that constitutes 90% of the conversation you have with them. I'm referring to those people whom you hang out with on a regular basis.

One minor example that happened a year or two before of what I'm talking about is a friend whom I have known for several years and would even consider among my inner circle. How surprising it was to find out that throughout all these years this particular friend had a relationship and eventually broke off and he drifted off into depression. All these happened right under my nose without me getting a whiff of it. Eventually I found out about it through a third party. Til this day, I bear the pretense that I am totally unaware of the whole affair. He does not know that I am aware about his previous relationship and the following incidents. I did try to probe however but I ended up rebuffed. So much for being friends and regular lepakking. Please don't ask me who it is because I'm not saying who. I won't play guessing games either. :)

Through several other experiences I've learnt that time does not necessarily strengthen a friendship. I've found knives in my back bearing the names of those I've considered as friends for a long time. Apparently not. How painful it has been time and time again to see a friend rejoice over my misfortune. How painful it has been time and time again to realize a friend scheming against me. How painful it has been to be the object of hate. Through it all I've learnt bitterness and to be distrustful of people in general. Sorry, my friends if I seem cold or distant at times. Sorry for the things which I cannot or will not do. These are the scars of wounds that have not healed.

This is a poem written last year. It has a macabre touch but its actually part of a series that carries a deeper meaning.

Exile - Part II
15th December 2006

O Horror,
does it pleasure you
to hear my agonized screams?
Never mind that it was forbidden,
the fruit of death has never been sweeter.
As the truth dawned like a failed star
on a death saturated wastelands,
I savoured every illicit morsel
until I saw it
for what it truly was.
I saw you in the eye.

O Despair,
that you would mock at the stains
that linger on my hands.
Laugh at me gleefully
as I scrape my fingers bloody
in vain.

O Fear,
that you would jeer
as I draw my wounds.
Your silent voice
torments my soul
as you leech me of my sanity.
You claw at my bleeding heart,
taunting me of impending judgement.

O Shame,
how could you rub my raw wounds?
Accursed I am now,
to wander to the ends of the earth,
scarred and desolate
forever reminded of my sins.
Only to have you as my companion
til my grave and beyond.

Scarlet Moonlight
31st December 2006

A rose so red
stands so fragile
alone in the green tide.
There her tears cascade,
and the rose glistens
under silvery moonbeams.
Every drop that stains the flower
melts white crystals of frost.

As she kneels by a lake,
ripples break out in discord
shattering the face on it.
Even the winds are reminding her
of her lonely fate.
Clutching the flower
tightly to her chest,
dreams once so faint
have altogether faded.

Behind that pale pink smile
lies a scarlet sea
of pain unpainted.
On those glassy eyes
run a stream of yesterday's tears
flowing over a riverbed
of shattered hearts.

Why does the river of life
twist in such a convoluted manner?
On every red petal that drifts
from her hand into the wind
is carved yet another chapter
of an untold tragedy.
Where the crimson flower falls,
there sorrow will take root.


I crafted this poem in one of my moments of boredom. With the internet so badly disrupted, I can only post it up now. By the way, I just so love emo songs.. how nice if someone could write this poem of mine into one... :)