The new year is just around the corner. That's if you are a Chinese. It's not just any typical year, but the year of the pig. Hmm.. that shouldn't mean anything, but then again it might just be precisely that. :)

Sadly, this is the first year I'm celebrating the New Year without fireworks. Yes, I'm grouchy without crackers, especially that I've been playing with them every year since I was a really small kid. I searched everywhere but it seems to be totally unavailable around. I don't know the exact reason why my usual suppliers are not around, but I can guess why. Let's see... First I'll find someone to blame, seeing that its part of our nature to do so. :) In my opinion, this lack of sales is because of "them". "Them" who are retarded enough to make their own fireworks only to get it blown back into their faces. Serves them right, for getting us all involved in their own problem. And then also another "them" who choose to enact a ban that blankets most fireworks because of the earlier retarded "them". Get it? I mean, because "they" are dumb enough to injure themselves, we are forced to forsake our cultural traditions? That's ridiculous isn't it? That's reality anyway, we live in a ridiculous world.

So, that's all for now. Chinese New Year will be just a dash less merrier, but on the overall none for the worse. :)

Anyway, Happy Chinese New Year. Gong Xi Fa Cai & Xin Nian Kuai Le!!

Superficiality and friendship. That is the theme of the night. Another word for that would be shallowness or on-the-surface for those of you who might be frantically flipping through your dictionaries. Nah, just joking. :)

Recent events involving different groups of people have led me to the realization that despite knowing people for years, I still don't know them. Yea, its ironical that despite knowing someone for 5, or even 6 or 7 years yet I know next to nothing about that person. No, I'm not referring to those people whom you go "hi" and "bye" whenever you bump into them and that constitutes 90% of the conversation you have with them. I'm referring to those people whom you hang out with on a regular basis.

One minor example that happened a year or two before of what I'm talking about is a friend whom I have known for several years and would even consider among my inner circle. How surprising it was to find out that throughout all these years this particular friend had a relationship and eventually broke off and he drifted off into depression. All these happened right under my nose without me getting a whiff of it. Eventually I found out about it through a third party. Til this day, I bear the pretense that I am totally unaware of the whole affair. He does not know that I am aware about his previous relationship and the following incidents. I did try to probe however but I ended up rebuffed. So much for being friends and regular lepakking. Please don't ask me who it is because I'm not saying who. I won't play guessing games either. :)

Through several other experiences I've learnt that time does not necessarily strengthen a friendship. I've found knives in my back bearing the names of those I've considered as friends for a long time. Apparently not. How painful it has been time and time again to see a friend rejoice over my misfortune. How painful it has been time and time again to realize a friend scheming against me. How painful it has been to be the object of hate. Through it all I've learnt bitterness and to be distrustful of people in general. Sorry, my friends if I seem cold or distant at times. Sorry for the things which I cannot or will not do. These are the scars of wounds that have not healed.

This is a poem written last year. It has a macabre touch but its actually part of a series that carries a deeper meaning.

Exile - Part II
15th December 2006

O Horror,
does it pleasure you
to hear my agonized screams?
Never mind that it was forbidden,
the fruit of death has never been sweeter.
As the truth dawned like a failed star
on a death saturated wastelands,
I savoured every illicit morsel
until I saw it
for what it truly was.
I saw you in the eye.

O Despair,
that you would mock at the stains
that linger on my hands.
Laugh at me gleefully
as I scrape my fingers bloody
in vain.

O Fear,
that you would jeer
as I draw my wounds.
Your silent voice
torments my soul
as you leech me of my sanity.
You claw at my bleeding heart,
taunting me of impending judgement.

O Shame,
how could you rub my raw wounds?
Accursed I am now,
to wander to the ends of the earth,
scarred and desolate
forever reminded of my sins.
Only to have you as my companion
til my grave and beyond.

Scarlet Moonlight
31st December 2006

A rose so red
stands so fragile
alone in the green tide.
There her tears cascade,
and the rose glistens
under silvery moonbeams.
Every drop that stains the flower
melts white crystals of frost.

As she kneels by a lake,
ripples break out in discord
shattering the face on it.
Even the winds are reminding her
of her lonely fate.
Clutching the flower
tightly to her chest,
dreams once so faint
have altogether faded.

Behind that pale pink smile
lies a scarlet sea
of pain unpainted.
On those glassy eyes
run a stream of yesterday's tears
flowing over a riverbed
of shattered hearts.

Why does the river of life
twist in such a convoluted manner?
On every red petal that drifts
from her hand into the wind
is carved yet another chapter
of an untold tragedy.
Where the crimson flower falls,
there sorrow will take root.


I crafted this poem in one of my moments of boredom. With the internet so badly disrupted, I can only post it up now. By the way, I just so love emo songs.. how nice if someone could write this poem of mine into one... :)

Blogging here from our neighboring country south of us, Singapore. :P

I'm here on a short holiday with my family from Monday til Wednesday. Tonight, I'll be breaking from convention and instead of a typical philosophical post, I'll be posting chronological holiday details and more importantly, photos! :) Despite arriving here yesterday (Monday) , I really went to tour Singapore today. I'm currently staying in a Malaysian Government House, a "not-too-bad" bungalow. :S


An interesting point of the trip would be the fact that I met up with an online friend for the first time, Ray Chin, along with his girlfriend Christine today. There was plenty to catch up on. :)


We went around the City Hall region which was quite impressive, with its range of shopping centers available. If only I had a lot of money to shop... Haha.



After some shopping and sightseeing, we went to play pool. And I still suck in it. Watudo? Thanks Ray for the tips and pointers! :0 All in all, I spent about 8 hours walking today and ended up utterly exhausted. So much for a holiday. Bleh.


And if you are reading this Ray, you were a great host and thanks again. I enjoyed myself. Really :)

All right... Later on, I joined my family at the famed Orchard Road and since Christmas is just around the corner, its grandly decorated. The streets were bustling despite being a weekday! Probably the Christmas bug working overtime. There were plenty of buskers lurking around the place, including some Native American aka Red Indian performers. A bit lame, if you ask me.

Orchard Road and its splendor

Me and sis outside Takashimaya, Orchard Road

The story of Nativity, depicted using mannequins. I thought that the photo of the odd-looking sheep is worth posting here. Don't ask me why.

After so many hours of shopping throughout this trip, all I have to show for it are 2 measly purchases :
1. A trilogy series
2. A 2 GB MSPD for my beloved handphone :P

To wrap it up, metropolitan Singapore is a cool place to be. I wouldn't mind living there :)

That's all for tonight. Goodnight folks.

A long awaited update (yea right...). I've so much to write, but I can't get them all out at one time.

So much time has passed since I've really updated this blog. That doesn't mean that I'm about to abandon it though. Life goes it, but what does it really mean if we let it slip through our fingers without noting down significant events in our lives? The marking of the passage of time is, more importantly, a heritage that we leave behind. Individually, we may only etch no more than a scratch in the infinite web of time, yet collectively they form the colourful strands that weave together to form our kaleidoscopic history. Yes, the diversity that defines humanity is the apex of our strength, but paradoxically, is the nadir of our nature. In essence, our ethics that proudly stand today may very well be tomorrows depraved morality. Multiculturalism is often espoused as the antidote to societal woes but this pluralism may very well be the cause of our fall. History has shown again and again that humankind has never been tolerant of other species, much less within its own kind. Perhaps the trait of selfishness has been hardwired into our genes throughout the millenia of scrambling for survival. Altruism, for what its worth, is done to increase the chances of survival.

Just a prose written out of sheer boredom. Ignore this post and skip to the previous post if you are not interested. Comments appreciated. :)

Prologue

A meaningless coincidence of chance or a date with karma-stained destiny? He thought as he swatted at the ants frantically scurrying around his ankles.

Do their sisters weep at the scent of their doom? Surely they feel a twinge, if not a gush of sorrow and forlorness as they hoist their fallen comrade to an unknown burial ground. Yes, that is exactly what is deserved, even for a mindless critter. Silent words of anger mingled with bitter satisfaction lingered in his mind as he killed them with an imagined vengeance. It rekindled a familiar throbbing sensation deep within cardiac echelons where no man dare tread.

“Matt!”

He swung his head around sharply, and snapped back into reality. All that beckoned him was a sea of gray tombstones. There was no one else in sight. Yet another fragment of my torments. Sitting amidst drought-stricken wilted grass between the graves of his wife and daughter, the cherubim planted on each tomb gazed at him with an almost demonic intensity, accentuated by the failing twilight.

The clear skies were stained an anemic pink, casting a tint of surrealism over the necropolis. He stared into the horizon, taking in the pale sunset without emotions. Feelings were something of the past that now seemed so alien. His memories of love, passion and joy all seemed to belong to someone else, not someone touched by the hand of Mortis. No, not even fury or grief. Tears have dried up long before the embers of his life faded.

All of a sudden, his incohesive vortex of thoughts was disrupted by a subtle movement. A flicker in one cherub’s gem-like eyes caused him to shudder.

An emissary of death taunts me. He mused to himself, realising the shadow of a passing vulture caused the momentary flicker.

He glanced around and saw the vulture tearing at a dark mass a few feet away, possibly a dog carcass.

When will my time come? He reflected within as he watched the vulture in morbid fascination. Gradually, he was absorbed by the scene as his confused thoughts drifted and swirled into a hurricane…

Pardon my hiatus... been having a pretty baaad week. I think I've lived on the tangents of hell for a few days. I don't want to get all whiny here so I'll just give a summary. Basically, I suffered from a bad toothache for days before I had time to go to the dentist. Which goes to say that I had to down quite a few painkillers to survive through exams and debates. Yes, debates too.. that's a crappy subject and I honestly think its not worth my while thinking or discussing about it. Exams and quizzes... sucks. But its just part of life. And with my parents in the USA since last friday, that means travelling 50km daily from home to college so that my sis won't be alone at home.
I feel drained. :( I really need to recover over this weekend.

Many months have passed... yet the afterglow of notoriety has yet to fade. To have one's reputation preceding his presense is not an honour. Quite the contrary actually, it is a curse. To be the object of awe is to be subjected to jealousy. To gain respect is to earn hatred. What a forlorn and forsaken path to tread.

Yet, despite all that, I think I am where I should be. In asnwering a tough but simple question I was posed a few days ago, "Are you happy where you are?". In a moment, I reflected where I am standing in life. I have so much to balance out, between assignments/studying and lepakking, between true friendships and moral obligations, between college and family, etc... The list has no end. However, on this rare occasion I refused to rationalize an intellectual answer. Following the silent voice within, I gave an emphatic yes.

Mornie utúlië (translation : darkness has come)

That is how I feel tonight. Life brings you through the dark caverns every now and then. Mine is to walk through this lonely highway ahead. The old school days of friends were so much fun... It should be a faded memory by now, yet it still lingers on. Perhaps my subconscious still clings to it, as a faint reminder of the good days of old as a result of the hellfire I go through now. I've bid my farewells of old countless times, yet I've never made peace with it. It's like an old wound that never perfectly healed. Realities are harsher than what we would like to think. Attempts to build bridges have come to failure. I prefer to think that I do not know why, rather than accept the bitter truth. Yes, that is living in denial but it's something that makes life a little more bearable. Maybe, just maybe I'll be permanently doomed for the dark lonely road for years to come. Yet there is still hope not lost... there are bridges under construction and bridges which are to come. And for those of you who *might* get the wrong idea, I'm not talking about a girlfriend. I'm just talking about finding sincere and genuine friends, a real rarity nowadays. Many of them are just out there to leech of you, while others are friends for the sake of civility.

And last, but not least, this is a tribute to those of my past :


We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun
But the wine and the song like the seasons have all gone
We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun
But the wine and the song like the seasons have all gone

Change is effected
through the sands of time...
Transmuting from one to another
Its essence remains intact.

One could call it evolution, another stage in the ladder of progress. Or you could just call it a change of blog. I prefer the latter. It's simplistic in nature without losing too much of its intended meaning. Henceforth, this will define the new style that begins here today and I have adapted my style of writing due to feedback from the masses. Namely, all save a few could actually comprehend what I was saying in my previous blog and I have decided that a change of blog calls for a change of layout and of course, writing style. After much complains from the masses, a change of style is very much in need… perhaps my writing before this lacked in warmth and emotions (I must apologize to my readers for that), I am currently working on it. If you are a new reader and are totally BLUR by what you are reading, just click this link and you can see what I am talking about.

So, my theme for this new blog is “Elegance not grandiloquence”.

The holidays have just begun. I should be happy and relaxed, yet I am not. I can’t pinpoint any specific reason for it and that puzzles me. Perhaps it could be the nagging pile of homework that I’ve yet to touch. It could be a lecturer who loves to “strongly encourage” me (I’ll refrain from saying anymore lest I get screwed if the person hears of it). It could also be due to social factors, which I rather not discuss here ;-). I’ll probably find the answer to that question in a few days.

Besides that, life probably looks bleak as a result of the kiasu syndrome. Studying conflicts with my laid back nature, despite what people think. Hence, being surrounded by people studying all the time does not make me feel at ease. Not at all, actually. I think this break is a good get away from the way of life at INTEC UiTM, which is one aspect I’ve yet to conform to. Life rocked so much in the days of lepakking at 1U or hanging out with friends after school. You just don’t appreciate the good you had til you lose it. Sad to say, that is the reality of life that we must come to terms with. Blind pessimism or optimism is foolish.

Looking at the brighter side of things, life isn’t all gloom and doom. I discovered hostel life isn’t the nightmare I supposed it to be, although there is a lot of room for improvement. Hostel life does allow you to make many new friends and brings you closer to those you have in college. In my opinion, that is probably the strongest reason for being happy in INTEC. Lepakking around until late hours is cool (on par with hanging out at 1U or Midvalley)… don’t knock it til you try it. Warning : The price of doing so is going around like a zombie the next day :-). Seeing that your friends in college are practically your family since they are around both during college and non-college hours, you got to be a total hermit not to have any friends.

That’s all the crap I can cough up for this new blog for now.