The new year is just around the corner. That's if you are a Chinese. It's not just any typical year, but the year of the pig. Hmm.. that shouldn't mean anything, but then again it might just be precisely that. :)

Sadly, this is the first year I'm celebrating the New Year without fireworks. Yes, I'm grouchy without crackers, especially that I've been playing with them every year since I was a really small kid. I searched everywhere but it seems to be totally unavailable around. I don't know the exact reason why my usual suppliers are not around, but I can guess why. Let's see... First I'll find someone to blame, seeing that its part of our nature to do so. :) In my opinion, this lack of sales is because of "them". "Them" who are retarded enough to make their own fireworks only to get it blown back into their faces. Serves them right, for getting us all involved in their own problem. And then also another "them" who choose to enact a ban that blankets most fireworks because of the earlier retarded "them". Get it? I mean, because "they" are dumb enough to injure themselves, we are forced to forsake our cultural traditions? That's ridiculous isn't it? That's reality anyway, we live in a ridiculous world.

So, that's all for now. Chinese New Year will be just a dash less merrier, but on the overall none for the worse. :)

Anyway, Happy Chinese New Year. Gong Xi Fa Cai & Xin Nian Kuai Le!!

Superficiality and friendship. That is the theme of the night. Another word for that would be shallowness or on-the-surface for those of you who might be frantically flipping through your dictionaries. Nah, just joking. :)

Recent events involving different groups of people have led me to the realization that despite knowing people for years, I still don't know them. Yea, its ironical that despite knowing someone for 5, or even 6 or 7 years yet I know next to nothing about that person. No, I'm not referring to those people whom you go "hi" and "bye" whenever you bump into them and that constitutes 90% of the conversation you have with them. I'm referring to those people whom you hang out with on a regular basis.

One minor example that happened a year or two before of what I'm talking about is a friend whom I have known for several years and would even consider among my inner circle. How surprising it was to find out that throughout all these years this particular friend had a relationship and eventually broke off and he drifted off into depression. All these happened right under my nose without me getting a whiff of it. Eventually I found out about it through a third party. Til this day, I bear the pretense that I am totally unaware of the whole affair. He does not know that I am aware about his previous relationship and the following incidents. I did try to probe however but I ended up rebuffed. So much for being friends and regular lepakking. Please don't ask me who it is because I'm not saying who. I won't play guessing games either. :)

Through several other experiences I've learnt that time does not necessarily strengthen a friendship. I've found knives in my back bearing the names of those I've considered as friends for a long time. Apparently not. How painful it has been time and time again to see a friend rejoice over my misfortune. How painful it has been time and time again to realize a friend scheming against me. How painful it has been to be the object of hate. Through it all I've learnt bitterness and to be distrustful of people in general. Sorry, my friends if I seem cold or distant at times. Sorry for the things which I cannot or will not do. These are the scars of wounds that have not healed.

This is a poem written last year. It has a macabre touch but its actually part of a series that carries a deeper meaning.

Exile - Part II
15th December 2006

O Horror,
does it pleasure you
to hear my agonized screams?
Never mind that it was forbidden,
the fruit of death has never been sweeter.
As the truth dawned like a failed star
on a death saturated wastelands,
I savoured every illicit morsel
until I saw it
for what it truly was.
I saw you in the eye.

O Despair,
that you would mock at the stains
that linger on my hands.
Laugh at me gleefully
as I scrape my fingers bloody
in vain.

O Fear,
that you would jeer
as I draw my wounds.
Your silent voice
torments my soul
as you leech me of my sanity.
You claw at my bleeding heart,
taunting me of impending judgement.

O Shame,
how could you rub my raw wounds?
Accursed I am now,
to wander to the ends of the earth,
scarred and desolate
forever reminded of my sins.
Only to have you as my companion
til my grave and beyond.