Dream Once More

Dark have been my dreams of late.
Those, those memories will never forsake me,
they clawed at wounds that never truly healed.
They casted a shroud of eternal darkness,
yet I sojourned on stained in tears and blood.
Resigned to this curse I bear on my palm
I dared not dream, much less hope once more
‘Til a single beam broke the darkness.
Perhaps a glimmer of hope lingers…

12.30 am. Should be getting ready for bed. :) Goodnight folks.

BTN Camp!!! Warning - Very long post

I'm back!! I survived this Biro Tatanegara (BTN) Camp. Essentially, it revolved around instilling patriotism and fostering unity. Read on more below to find out more about it. Basically what I did was to revive a tradition that I used to carry out occasionally during my schooling days; that is "offline blogging". It simply meant that I blogged in a notebook since I did not have access to the net at that moment and yet I had plenty of stuff to write then. I would then transfer the “offline blog” to my real blog. The need for “offline blogging” arose again since I wanted to keep track of what happened during the BTN camp and provide you guys with an accurate and descriptive blog post in chronological order. The time (XX:XXam/pm - ) preceding the text indicates the time of writing on that particular day. If the Offline Blog part bores you feel free to skip it and proceed to the pics at the bottom of the page.

--*Offline Transcription Begins*--

Day 1 (15th April)
8.00 pm – And so it begins...

Camp has been tolerable as of this point. I am writing this during a “moral lecture”. Well, does it really qualify as one? Only if you are willing to compromise your values and logical reasoning, then yes, it does fit the criteria of one. Ok, firstly the lecture dealt with enemies of the state. Fine, I’ll accept the premise that most states have enemies. Conflict seems to be an integral part of humans, so conflicts between states should be viewed as a norm. However, to insist that every critter sitting on your doorstep has a hidden agenda to undo your household is well within the realm of delusional paranoia. I strongly feel that the aim of this lecture is to foster a sort of tribalistic patriotism. Ok, how does this work? Firstly, create phantom enemies to stir up fear in the hearts of people. Then exploit this fear to drive the people to unite against this common enemy. Tada! You have instant patriotism. Sure, this creates unity and patriotism but how adhesive is the glue of fear in the long term?

Ok, so let’s take a look at this from a global perspective. Realistically, our nation is nothing more than a speck in the big picture. We do not possess massive natural deposits of gold, be it yellow or black. Our nation’s foreign policy is relatively non-aggressive. So why should the “West” be interested in overturning our country? They suggest that the “West” envies our successes and therefore seek to dominate us. Sheer absurdity. Why should first world nations ever be envious of their third world counterparts?

Day 2 (16th April)
5.45 am – I am awake at this ungodly hour, if only to satisfy a certain warped notion of fairness. Initially, I was told to be prepared for a moral lecture at this hour. However, upon arrival at the lecture hall I was told to study some other subject. What a waste of precious sleeping time… As of last night, all of us participants were divided into groups. While I am not exactly complaining about the combination of my group, I am not exactly jumping for joy either. Perhaps this will change as the camp progresses.

Jin just complained to me about a particularly “sticky” person from his group. He described her as a sort of mold but I’m still blur about the reason for it… Maybe I’m just too tired. I slept past 2am, woke up at 5am, so you do the math.

All right, I’ll describe a little about my first night here. It was much cooler here in the dormitory during the night as compared to daytime. I can’t recall much except to say that most of the guys were memorizing the lyrics of “Wawasan 2020” for whatever so reason. And of course they proceeded to sing it… I will refrain from commenting further, lest I be accused of lacking patriotism. To display a lack of patriotism, rather in the form as demanded of by them, invites grave consequences. Anyway I chose to spent the hours prior to bedtime by lepakking with two guys I got to know today, Andrew and Sasidaran. Hmm not bad, at least I’m widening my limited social circle. :)

7.55 am – Breakfast… not bad. In fact, it was far better than I expected of camps. Before breakfast, I had to participate in a marching exercise or more commonly known around here as “kawad kaki”. Last I recall, I have not done this since primary school. For once, I was totally blur throughout the entire process. I could barely understand the commands ad my physical coordination was totally off. I have a strange feeling that this experience will not be a unique one throughout this camp. So this is how Day 2 beings… Every moment looks brighter if only because the end of the road draws closer.

10.10 pm – I’m sitting in for the 4th lecture of the day. And that is excluding the two moral lectures. I have been sitting around listening to several people drone on and on regarding the same issues for a total of 10 hours today. Despite the apparently differing topics of each individual lectures, each lecture practically resonated along the same theme. This time, the enemies of the state have been broadened to include our neighbouring states, primarily Singapore and Indonesia. And of course, for problems that we refuse to acknowledge as a consequence of our own folly, just find a scapegoat! All our problems can be blamed on the Jews, seeing that they have hardly any representation in the country to refute such claims. This anti-Semitic mantra is repeated over and over and this technique reminds me of Adolf Hitler’s “Big Lie”. Hitler pioneered this propaganda technique based on the belief that the more preposterous a lie is, the more likely it is to be believed. Simply, people would be more likely to believe an outrageous lie because they assume that no one could possibly concoct such an untruth, and therefore the information must be true. Conversely, according to this theory, people would be more hesitant to believe a “small lie”, because of the perception that small lies are comparatively simple to fabricate. Furthermore, people would be quick to detect the lie, because they themselves indulge in it on a daily basis and are therefore adept in detecting such lies. This technique was refined by Joseph Goebbels, who stated that if a lie is reiterated constantly and consistently, gradually the population would accept it as a truth even in the complete absence of evidence.

Furthermore, promoting 19th century nationalism is plainly wrong. This form of nationalism deviates from the currently accepted global idea of patriotism. This archaic form of nationalism promotes obsolete and narrow-minded thinking such as mercantilism and tribalism. Come on guys; realize that internationalism is the next step in human civilization. It is from this viewpoint that we view ourselves as global citizens and discard the “them against us” mentality. How can we pride ourselves as a peace loving nation if we chose to hate certain people? To preach hatred instantly dissolves the higher moral ground that one claims against his professed enemy.

Day 3 (17th April)

5.55 am – Yet another day of waking up early just to attend lectures. I have already allotted this Friday for sleeping, and Saturday too if need be it. Yes, I am already looking at the ending of this camp. Well, it is halfway through but I’ll admit that it isn’t half as bad as I thought, no thanks to *some* people for scaring me. Haha… The food is actually good, in fact too good for someone on a diet plan *wink wink*.

The activities are tolerable but the lectures are still a torture. I’ve made quite a few new friends. In fact some are familiar faces, only that no contact was established back then for whatever reason. The only complaint that I have is the lack of sleeping hours allocated in the schedule. An afternoon napping time would go a long way in alleviating the pervading late afternoon drowsiness. But what is camp without lack of sleep, or at least that’s what I’m told. Here’s a clip from some sleepyheads.

7.50 pm – I can’t stand another moral lecture! It gradually saps away my sanity, seriously. To ward it off, I’m blogging here under the guise of a very studious student furiously taking down notes… So let me recall the events of today…

After the pre-dawn moral lecture today, I had to run 2.2 km within a time limit of 18 minutes. And I’m proud to say that I finished it within a comfortable margin of under 11 minutes. Ben, I did it somehow although you may not believe me. ;) After breakfast, I headed into my Latihan Dalam Kumpulan (LDK) group, which are basically small groups of 10-12 people who have to undergo 8 modules, each module 2 hours long. 4 modules a day, over a couple of days equals to a lot of hours spent! Although I can’t say that I enjoyed the first few sessions, I must say that it is a relief that the political rhetoric of the past 2 days have become subdued. Who knows, this might just be the calm of the eye of a hurricane.

Anyway, back to the module sessions, I had great difficulty coping with them. It just seems that I am unable to follow the class’s train of thought. This should never have been the case, as I tend to enjoy intellectual and philosophical discussion under normal circumstances. But this was not so, as the modules were conducted in Malay, while my spoken Malay is half baked at best.

Day 4 (18th April)
6.00am – It has become routine for me to blog during the pre-dawn moral lecture despite the short duration of this camp. As of now, I can say that I’m beginning to enjoy the camp now. I find this quite ironical as I spent the weeks prior to this camp dreading it, the first few days wishing that it ended quickly, and then wishing that it was longer when the camp is about to end. But still, no matter how fun it is, my biological clock has gone haywire and only sleep can synchronize it once again. Lots and lots of sleep. Seeing that last night I stayed up ‘til 2 or so lepakking with Andrew only this time, discussing various issues.

It is only throughout this period that I wake up in the mornings without the usual burdens of daily AUSMAT living. Academic and social pressures have evaporated ever since camp started. The opportunity to reach out and make new friends proved to be a breath of fresh air. Seriously. If only this would spill over when I return to INTEC. Long has it been since I awoke without the burdens of daily life. Longer still has it been since I awoke without the fear of peer pressure and resisting the overwhelming need to conform. Perhaps this is an answer to many prayers. Perhaps it is just another tile on the road to redemption.

Experience is a tough teacher. First you get the test, and then you learn the lesson. This camp is a test, and as I ponder of it over the coming weeks, there shall be many lessons to be learnt. No regrets, just lessons. I know this only because every camp that I have attended in the past has had an impact, although a delayed one and this one will surely be no exception. Where would we be without the wisdom of hindsight…

1.50 pm – Break time… Lepak awhile in the dorm. It seems to be routine. After every meal, we gather in the dorm to exchange news or just talk. I have to say that I am quite happy with my LDK group and the facilitators. So far, they have steered clear of sensitive topics so far. I hope this continues for the remaining to sessions.

4.50pm – Exhaustion is starting to kick in. I know that I would not have been able to survive long on just a few hours of sleep over the past few days. Just another 24 hours to go.

Day 5 (19th April)
6.15 am – It is down to the last lap now… I must muster all of my remaining strength to complete the race. As of now, all that stands between me and home are an exam and a kembara trip. The last lap always seems to be the toughest, due to diminishing stamina and the growing anticipation of completing he race tends to generate an illusion of a braking effect on time itself.

Strangely I feel wide awake now despite sleeping past 2 am. I was supposed to be studying in the canteen ‘til 1.30am but it ended up as a discussion between Andrew and I. We debated, discussed and dissected the content of the books that we were supposed to be studying. That counts as studying somehow I think…

I am very satisfied with my LDK groups and the facilitators. I actually thanked them openly for taking into account our differences and not creating awkward situations which would have surely erased any respect that they earned over the past few days. I’m sure most of you guys know what I’m referring to. Not that I am against such discussions, but providing a discussion platform whereby all participants are not being evaluated and granted sufficient immunity from disciplinary action (or even worse) will lead to a more neutral and suitable ground for debate.

On the overall, things went far better than I had expected. I am quite surprised at myself for having to admit that this camp has been a pleasant experience. Lets see: decent group, fun activities, higher political awareness, and of course new friends!

--*Offline Transcription Ends*--

Conclusion:
Pardon me if you find my post above too cynical. It was never my intention to play the opposition and rebut every argument forwarded throughout the camp. Simply that I perceive the reasons given for certain issues as extremely narrow-minded and bigoted. Quite to the contrary actually, I am sympathetic towards some of the issues forwarded such as the need to preserve a nations sovereignty. For instance, I do admit that capitalism has its share of weaknesses such as allowing the exploitation of the weak (either intended or unintended) and as such, our nation must be on its guard against entities which may trample over us in the sole pursuit of profit. I also accept it that the government has a responsibility in helping the downtrodden of society, although the morality of providing aid in its current form is extremely controversial and I have no intention of stirring that hornet’s nest here.

On the other hand, I do not believe in the brand of patriotism promoted throughout the camp. In my opinion, patriotism is simply the love for one’s nation; he knows and does what is best for his country. Heck, it doesn’t involve singing the national anthem with fervour, saluting the flag or memorizing the National Principles (Rukun Negara). As far as I’m concerned, a citizen who ekes out an honest living, pays his due taxes and obeys the law is satisfactorily patriotic even if he may have never displayed any conventional outward signs associated with patriotism such as flag-waving. After all, by doing what he does, he contributes to economic and social growth of society and the nation, and that is the highest end of what patriotism has to offer. After all, is there a nobler way to express your love towards your nation other than contributing directly to its prosperity, stability and security?

From my point of view, this form of patriotism ranks closely behind the ultimate form (as held by traditional patriotism), that is laying down one’s life for his country. Well, think of it logically, if everyone died to defend the nation, who would be left to form Malaysia? Despite defeat and colonization following a war, a remnant would have survived to rebuild the nation and carry on the legacy. A time will come one day when they will rise up once more. If not that battered generation, then another following it will someday pick up the sword and stand in the place of their forefathers. History books are filled with such tales.

Hence, this is just the tip of the iceberg as to why I am opposed to this form of patriotism. In short, I find this form unacceptable as it demands a sacrifice of values of which I’m unwilling to let go. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not unpatriotic, just not in the conventional form as expected of Malaysians. As far as things have gone, I never had the intention to leave Malaysia. There is no other place that I could call home.


Here are the pics as promised!


The Lecture Hall...


Andrew and I in the lecture hall


Andrew, Sasidaran and I in our dorm

Now onto the LDK pics...

The girl on my right is Angeline :)

Melanie, Mira and I in the LDK room. Look at me crying in agony ;)



And last but not least, the Kembara trip! The terrain consisted of an oil palm estate, a wasteland and a swampy area.






Me all wet after falling into the river...

And so it begins...

It is launched...

Events that are set in motion cannot now be undone. The hour has come, and gone. It is too late...

I shall be going off for a camp for 5 days.. Who knows what will happen there? I only know that survival depends on holding steadfast to my principles. If even that should waver, then it is better than I never return.

On a lighter note, I will definitely take photos there to show you guys here. :)

Farewell.

A Not So Typical Week...

Well, another week has passed, and everything has come to a standstill... Not everything, but just about almost everything. I'll post up some interesting photos of the week. They may not seem so interesting now, but I'm sure they will be meaningful some day. Who knows, perhaps the hour of tribulation will come and I shall look back at these days as sunny blue-skied days.

Ok, so Monday night came along and I was supposed to spend the night studying for an Econs topic test. But I ended up distracted....

Yep, I got dragged into a game of Choh Dai Di despite barely knowing how to play the game. But I learnt quickly and even managed to pull off a few wins. Not bad eh... Heheh... :)

Me - Green, Brian - White, Clarence - Yellow, Ben - Dark Blue

Dual fingers and smile hints - "I have the dai di!" ;)
Look at the time! Its past midnight and we are gaming away...

Ok, so the rest of the week dragged on. My roommates Ben and Clarence went off for their BTN camp.. What kind of hell it is, I'll know in a fortnight. Anyway, the room was kinda boring and quiet. Jin joined me and Vincent to liven up the room a little. :) I quickly noted the difference between guys and girls during that period. I actually heard girls making statements somewhere along these lines:

"It's so nice that I have a room to myself"
"I love the privacy"
"Your apartment has an empty room? May I occupy it?"

On the other hand, the guys were lamenting about the dampened atmosphere and lack of socialising in our apartments. Strange huh...

Friday comes along, and I have to do a presentation in class. We were broken into groups and each group had to nominate someone to participate in the upcoming AUSMAT Idol. We had to draw up a complete plan including the details of the performance, showmanship and a demonstration of the real performance. Needless to say, we did settle on some unconventional ideas. Oh, my group consisted of Angeline, Iby, Aloy and me. I daresay that these guys were very sporting and make great groupmates. So here are a few pics of me...

Noticed my latest accessory? Cool huh?

Look closer.. at the pink arrows... :)

Well, I don't feel like typing out a whole long story to bore you guys. But it will suffice to say that our presentation was somewhat effeminatedly-oriented and hence that hair clip was a statement to prove our point. Haha.



Ok, that's all for tonight guys. :)

Sleep Eludes Me

Its almost 2 am on Monday, the 2nd of April 2007. I should be asleep right now but I can't for some inexplicable reason. I'll blog awhile and try to shake off this bout of insomnia.

Another tattered page
is lost to the winds,
of which is written upon
a fragment of the memoirs
of a melancholic soul.

That's all I can manage for the night... Goodnight folks :)

Another Tragic Chapter Ends

It is probable that I will never measure up to a particular yardstick of coolness. It is plausible that I will continue to face a volley of underhanded taunts and derision, all veiled behind the name of friendship. It is possible that I retain my mask of meekness, paint a smile daily and reinforce it with hollow peals of laughter.

Yet recent events have transpired to change my perspectives on the complex issues surrounding life. That which I cared so much about ceased to be relevant and that by which I have always placed lesser emphasis upon has been elevated in terms of priority. Likewise, I care not for cockiness and conceit of others. To express contempt towards others who lack similar endowments only invites reciprocity and retribution. If not today, surely tomorrow then when the right season comes along... However, it is not for me to strike out, as justice will be meted out by divine means or otherwise. I am a strong proponent of the belief that a fall is always preceded by pride. After all, to quote Darth Tyranus of Star Wars, "Twice the pride, double the fall". Wise words indeed from a seemingly evil character.

Thus, I am freed of my burdens which have lingered on for so long. This mental cell exists, only because I allowed it to. I falsely believed that fate had flung me into the pit, when all along I descended it with my own free will. Although the alternatives were bleak, it was a choice that I made. And it was a decision by which I must bear its consequences. Like it or not, I must deal with it or resign myself to despair. Finally, the road of sorrow by which I have trodden upon for so long now comes to an end, or so I hope. Perhaps in time I will have to stake out another often-travelled road or forge a new one in the midst of desolation. If desolation proves to be the sole alternative to a languishing societal bind, I will by all means embrace it. Nevertheless, a tragic chapter draws to an end but the end is not yet. The page turns and another chapter begins...

The Lost of Hope

The lost of hope. That is a fate worst than death. For to lose something so essential is to cease living, and simply exist. Hope is the belief that our tomorrow will be a better day, another chance at improving our current station of life. Take that away, and a person will be reduced to no more than a beast, existing without purpose. Likewise, hope is the compass that keeps the ship sailing towards its destination. It is hope that gives us a purpose to live...

Anyway as promised, I must congratulate my sister over her early 21st birthday gift here. I'm sooo jealous, I want a brand new car too! Drive safely ya sis :)

A quote (thanks Ben):

When you're up, your friends know who you are
When you're down, you know who your friends are.

I just have to quote Evanescence tonight...

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

Yup.. it seems to apply at this station of life.

The holidays have just drifted past... Yes they slipped through my fingers in the blink of an eye. Holidays never fail to draw out an entire cornucopia of sentiments (that's a bundle of emotions for those of you who don't get it). In a way it serves as a timely respite from my hectic schedule. On the other hand it brings to memory those solitary days, days of old where the shards of bitterness still linger on... I have never found a truly satisfactory explanation, but that which we look forward to most, more often than not, turns out to be much less than desired. As I look in retrospect, my past holidays (this included) have been spent almost completely with my faithful companion, none other than my computer. To eat and sleep exclusively by a cold whirring machine is to lead a wretched existence indeed. An occasional trip out to 1Utama or The Curve does little to alleviate the situation. Truth be told, I did not choose this lonely lifestyle but rather it has been imposed on me by fate. For the want of a better expression, the reasons for my lonely holidays are largely inexplicable. It can be said that most of the factors involved have spun beyond my control and I see no apparent remedy in sight. Ok, that's enough rambling for a night. It's almost 3am. and just the right time for bed. :)

Ps. Sorry guys if this post is kinda on the bombastic side but these words are needed to convey my thoughts precisely. I have no intention to confuse or stun you guys.

All right, as promised guys, I'll blog about my trip to Sunway Pyramid yesterday. It seemed more fun than usual, which I suspect is due to the fact that we were in a holiday (1 week break) mood and of course, getting over a math test! I'll tell you what is so significant about the math test.. the fact that most students, if not all were so worked up by it that everyone was doing and thinking of math 24/7 throughout the week. And that's not to mention the disastrous specialist math quiz on Thursday and several assignments piled up. The quiz was not, I stress, not, easy, Ben. :) . So the trip was a much needed break to unwind from a hectic week.

Well, apparently many AUSMAT students were in Sunway Pyramid although I didn't spot most of them who were supposedly there. So, the first thing we did there was to eat dinner. There was the usual period of indecisiveness on choosing a restaurant to dine in. Finally, we settled on a Hong Kong restaurant called KimGary (Not sure about it's more prominent Chinese name... I'm banana le :D) . I tried some cheese baked rice with pork which was quite good. Here are pics of us :

Oops.. Not such a great shot.

That's better. Clockwise starting with Leon (guy on the lower left corner in purple) , Benjamin, Clarence, Weijun, Jeremy(Smile la.. look so serious oni :) ) and me.

We spent quite a while lepakking around there because the bowling alley was totally booked. Ended up watching some skating competition in the ice skating rink. The most entertaining part was probably laughing at the contestants mess up their performances. So bad huh... Besides that, we went into "I Need House" as we were passing by. Call it an "coming-of-age initiation ritual" or whatever you want, but this supposedly controversial shop proved to be (disappointingly) normal, selling mostly key chains and similar trinkets. I seriously think that that franchise has been grossly overrated and hyped up.

We barely grabbed the last tickets for the movie "300". In spite of all the blood and gore, I found the narrative movie intriguing. The movie revolves around a small band of Spartans who were resisting a massive invading Persian army. I would have thought the story as purely fictional, but the fact that such a historical battle occurred makes the story somewhat plausible. However, as with typical Hollywood airbrushing, the Spartans are portrayed as noble knights while the Persians as moronic arrogant villains. It spins an inspiring tale of courage and valour despite the overwhelming odds. I'll end my comments here on the movie to avoid spoiling it for those who have yet to watch it.

One particularly *interesting* incident at the IT section went somewhere along this line :

Clarence : Leon, Leon look at this! *pointing at a Logitech Presenter*


Leon : What? Vibrator ah?!

*Rest of us burst out laughing*

A salesman, witnessing the whole thing, approached us probably thinking of us as idiotic teenagers.

Salesman : Anything else that you want?

*We declined politely and quickly left*

Lame huh... :D

But it was plenty of fun. I sure am looking forward to more of such outings together :D. Don't you guys agree?